Monday down..

and hoping for an uneventful Tuesday. It is amazing how busy I am right now. I went back to work today hoping it would be the best choice. I am really not so sure. It is difficult to work, help plan a funeral, care for two children, make arrangements for out of town guests and be there for a husband whose heart is breaking. I hope my working a few days this week will not make life harder on him.

I was sitting at the kitchen table last night and realized I am a little more at peace with this wait for referral. I believe in my heart that my MIL will watch over Madeline until we can get her safely into our arms. Mom was always a fierce protector of her children and grandchildren. Her love for her family was unwavering. I know she is Madeline's guardian angel right now. That does give me a small semblence of comfort. I hope this also will give Jerry some comfort right now. He is struggling. I can't imagine what he is going through and DREAD the thought that I, too, will go through this some day.

If you are a prayerful person, please keep my family in your prayers right now. We need it. My DH needs it. My children need it. And... even though I am trying to be the rock for my family right now... I need it.

A dark cloud......

On Thursday morning my cell phone rang at 7:15 am. It was Jerry. His sister had called to say she could not wake their mother. She was breathing, had a high fever but was not responding. The Hospice nurse came to the house and said the end was near but it may not be today. At 8:30 am, while teaching my 5th grade class, my cell phone rang again. It was Jerry. He was already at his mother's home. She had passed away. Wow. I immediately buzzed the office and asked for coverage, found my principal and left as quickly as possible to get to Jerry. I left James at school, not knowing what I was walking in to.

Upon arriving at the house all but one of Jerry's siblings had already arrived. His one brother had an hour drive. All of the spouses were already there. Jerry walked over to me and collapsed into my arms. It was so heartbreaking. I wished there was something, anything I could do to help this pain go away. After spending a few minutes, just us we approached the rest of the family.

I then learned that Hospice was on their way. Jerry's mother was still in the house. One by one the siblings took turns spending time with their mother. After Jerry's brother arrived, the funeral home was called. Thank God I did not bring James with me!!

Well, needless to say, the days since then have all run together. We are making plans, writing down thoughts, organizing life to the best of our abilities. We are all spending every moment possible together. We are being the best support system we can to each other.

We are also trying to help our children understand what has happened. James has his weepy moments. Today he was just plain ornery. That is to be expected. Riley is completely confused. He is constantly looking for his grandmother. He will go in her room, look under her pillows, behind her chair, in her bathroom. We have told him she died and is in heaven. A three year old really can't understand. Heck, honestly, I don't think anyone really understands.

We are a family... living through a very dark cloud... counting the days until all of the obligatory actions are completed so we can learn to live as a family again...

Mama at Midnight

Okay.... Riley is certainly his own little fellow. At midnight I was sound asleep, cuddled up in my warm bed. Unexpectedly, a little finger began to poke my arm. I hear the faint whisper, "Mama" wake me from my slumber. I knew it had to be Riley. I rolled over, opened my eyes and before me stood...... a completely naked 3 year old holding his pillowcase. Yes, Riley had been in his bed, undressing himself, and taking all of his sheets and pillowcase off of his bed. As cute as he is, he was not so cute at that point. ;-)

Being the loving mother I am, I walked him back to his room. I proceeded to feel around in the dark for Riley's Pull-Up and pajamas. Now, we do live in Florida and by no means need heavy duty night clothes, but it was in the low 50s and Riley doesn't stay covered. Finally, I found all of his encoutreauments (sp) and dressed my sleepy boy. Next, I had to put the wandering pillowcase back on to Riley's pillow. I grabbed the pillow and case, sat down on James' bed and began the bouncing act otherwise known as... dressing the pillow. In my half awake, half asleep state, I completely forgot that big brother James was fast asleep on his now bouncing bed. I did not realize what a lovely bumpy ride I gave him until I had completed the pillowcase adventure. Thank goodness, James is a very deep sleeper.

After completing all of my motherly obligations, I tucked my little wide awake darling in to bed. I bent down and gave him the obligatory kiss and reminder that it was time to sleep. More awake now and rather perturbed I began walking back to my own room. Upon reaching Riley's door I hear another "Mama". I turned around to find my baby, reaching for me, lips puckered. He then whispers, "kish Mama". (Yes, kish... that is how Riley says kiss.) All frustrations instantly disappeared. I smiled with teary eyes, walked happily back to my tucked in bundle and received the best kiss of my life.

Riley is MY baby. He is MY son. I love him more than I realize at times.

After all of this ordeal I returned to my bed, very glad to have been woken out of my slumber. I laid in my bed, smiling and crying at the wonder and beauty that one little boy can bring. I am such a lucky mom.

Slowly Churning Along

Well, in two days our dossier will be logged in for 2 months. Wow! That is such a great thing to think. Christmas Eve will be 4 months! That will be so exciting! As much as time is slowly churning along.. it is moving. I am so thankful for my boys. They are certainly the calming force in my life right now. They are excited about their sister, but they also are much more in to today than worried about what is to come. That helps me to keep focused on the present and not as worried about the future.

In a few weeks we will be in our new home. Yikes! I can not wait!! It is really looking wonderful. Once we are in and settled I can start thinking about the nursery. I have so many ideas but no real direction. I have seen a few things I really like, but just can commit. I have seen some fantastic pictures of what other people are doing with their nurseries. They are all so artistic and creative. I am completely impressed. I am going to use them as my motivation to be creative and enjoy the process. It doesn't have to be perfect... it just has to be done with love.

Here are my current predicitions:
Referral - March 8, 2006
Travel - May 6, 2006

I would LOVE a February referral but with the last batch being so small, I really think March is much more realistic. How neat, though, to think that we received Riley's referral in March and traveled in May. It kind of makes this more..... meant to be.

By the way... I would be more than happy to have my baby NOW! haha