Well, I just read Shoey and Dot to Riley before bed. It was just what we both needed. It helped me to realize that I can wait a little bit longer for Miss M. I don't want to wait. I don't want her to have to wait.
I was talking to my SIL and shared the Shoey and Dot story with her. Then I logged on to iTunes and shared the Steven Curtis Chapman song, When Love Takes You In. I think I am at the point where love took me in over a month ago. I know Maddie is waiting. I know she may cry and not get the attention and love she deserves. That is why this extended wait is so challenging.
I have to remind myself that, as sad and horrible as this may seem, she does not realize that there is a different life out there. All of her memories revolve around her life in Taihe. She doesn't know any different. As difficult as that is for me, it is what is normal for her.
Love has taken me in. Madeline will feel the love I feel for her. It will take her much longer to feel love for me. This time of waiting is hard, horrible and horrific... but if she can be strong in her life now, I can be strong in this wait.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
The Good, The Bad and the Cute (No Ugly in Babyland!)
The Good
Well, my team at work had a shower for me yesterday. It was just so nice and thoughtful of them. They really put a lot of thought and effort into it. I am sure it was probably the very last thing people wanted to do on a Friday right after work hours, but everyone was so positive. It was such a wonderful time. I enjoyed every minute. I am so blessed.
The Bad
A package from CCAA arrived on Friday containing TA's. Now, you may think that is a good thing, and it was.... for TWO families. Yes, only two families of the remaining 11 received their TA's. Our agency did not even have the common courtesy to call us. We received this news through a very impersonal email. I was sad. Jerry was ANGRY. We just can not believe this is still dragging on. As things sit right now, our best case scenario is that we receive TA's by Tuesday and then we can travel on 12./28. If TA's don't arrive by Tuesday, the earliest we will travel in JANUARY 4th! How can that be???? I really have lost so much faith in our agency. They should be doing EVERYTHING in their power to make something happen. They can't even give us an explanation as to what is going on. It is just so upsetting.
The Cute
I went shopping today!! The boys and I jumped into the car first thing this morning. We bought EVERYTHING we still needed. (Actually, we bought everything I could think of that we still needed. I am sure I will have a reason to shop a little bit more for Madeline before we get a chance to travel.) It was so much fun!! We bought bottles and baby wash, tights and toys. We just had a blast. The boys loved picking out things for their sister. We were even able to finish shopping for Jerry for Christmas. This excursion was exactly what the doctor ordered. It put me back in a happy place. Being distracted by doing things for Miss M, helped me avoid thinking about the fact that so many of our LID group are either in China now or leaving in the next few days. We will sit here and be just so thankful that they are not delayed as we are.
Life
Life has handed us one very difficult set of circumstances with this wait. We feel very.... alone. We also feel very supported. It may seem odd to think of those two feelings at the same time, but it is true. We are just so fortunate to have an agency LID who has not forgotten those of us still waiting. They are putting forth every effort to be supportive. It is just amazing. We do feel very alone, though, in this journey. To be still waiting while others leave is more difficult than I imagined. It is painful. I ache for my baby. I feel such distaste for my agency. I feel they have abandoned us.
We are preparing for the holidays and looking forward to bringing Maddie home. We will endure, though our experience has been tainted. It will work out as it should, though that is a very hard pill to swallow.
Well, my team at work had a shower for me yesterday. It was just so nice and thoughtful of them. They really put a lot of thought and effort into it. I am sure it was probably the very last thing people wanted to do on a Friday right after work hours, but everyone was so positive. It was such a wonderful time. I enjoyed every minute. I am so blessed.
The Bad
A package from CCAA arrived on Friday containing TA's. Now, you may think that is a good thing, and it was.... for TWO families. Yes, only two families of the remaining 11 received their TA's. Our agency did not even have the common courtesy to call us. We received this news through a very impersonal email. I was sad. Jerry was ANGRY. We just can not believe this is still dragging on. As things sit right now, our best case scenario is that we receive TA's by Tuesday and then we can travel on 12./28. If TA's don't arrive by Tuesday, the earliest we will travel in JANUARY 4th! How can that be???? I really have lost so much faith in our agency. They should be doing EVERYTHING in their power to make something happen. They can't even give us an explanation as to what is going on. It is just so upsetting.
The Cute
I went shopping today!! The boys and I jumped into the car first thing this morning. We bought EVERYTHING we still needed. (Actually, we bought everything I could think of that we still needed. I am sure I will have a reason to shop a little bit more for Madeline before we get a chance to travel.) It was so much fun!! We bought bottles and baby wash, tights and toys. We just had a blast. The boys loved picking out things for their sister. We were even able to finish shopping for Jerry for Christmas. This excursion was exactly what the doctor ordered. It put me back in a happy place. Being distracted by doing things for Miss M, helped me avoid thinking about the fact that so many of our LID group are either in China now or leaving in the next few days. We will sit here and be just so thankful that they are not delayed as we are.
Life
Life has handed us one very difficult set of circumstances with this wait. We feel very.... alone. We also feel very supported. It may seem odd to think of those two feelings at the same time, but it is true. We are just so fortunate to have an agency LID who has not forgotten those of us still waiting. They are putting forth every effort to be supportive. It is just amazing. We do feel very alone, though, in this journey. To be still waiting while others leave is more difficult than I imagined. It is painful. I ache for my baby. I feel such distaste for my agency. I feel they have abandoned us.
We are preparing for the holidays and looking forward to bringing Maddie home. We will endure, though our experience has been tainted. It will work out as it should, though that is a very hard pill to swallow.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Another Day Down
Another day of waiting for our TA is down. I just keep thinking that every day we have to wait is one day closer to Miss M. Somedays I believe it and other days I think that is a big old pile of poo! haha I just so want to hold my baby. I want to get this huge change in her little life done. I know she is getting ready to go through this difficult transition. She needs us... though she doesn't know it yet, and we need her.
Christmas shopping is almost done. I have some odds and ends to get. It has been fun shopping for the boys. Riley is LOVING Christmas this year. He just gets it. He was terrified of Santa so he just saw him from a nice safe distance. James went up to Santa, blushing and still full of belief. It is kind of sad. I really think this may be his last Christmas believeing. He is such a sweet, loving boy.... so innocent, naieve and true. His innocence just shines like a big beautiful light at this time of the year.
I have given my principal the dates I plan to take for leave. I have to complete the paperwork this week and turn it in. It feels a little strange filling out this paperwork when our TA is no where in sight.
Another agency who also had some TA issues, received TA's today. I would so love to see this as a good sign, but just kind of wonder if theres were just late in being sent. We will know soon enough. I am hoping that worst case scenario is TA at the end of next week.
My parents bought Madeline's carseat for us. We love it! As we add things to our home for her she feels more real. I try so hard not to stare at her picture endlessly because it is difficult to know we have no clue when we will be allowed to bring her home. Placing just a tiny bit of distance between her and I has been what I have had to do to protect my heart and head.
I have spoken with our agency a few times in the past few days. It has helped my stress level tremendously. I still don't entirely buy the line they are giving us for the TA delay, but at least feel they are trying to be available.
So... we continue to wait and love our children, near and far. We will be a complete family very soon.
Christmas shopping is almost done. I have some odds and ends to get. It has been fun shopping for the boys. Riley is LOVING Christmas this year. He just gets it. He was terrified of Santa so he just saw him from a nice safe distance. James went up to Santa, blushing and still full of belief. It is kind of sad. I really think this may be his last Christmas believeing. He is such a sweet, loving boy.... so innocent, naieve and true. His innocence just shines like a big beautiful light at this time of the year.
I have given my principal the dates I plan to take for leave. I have to complete the paperwork this week and turn it in. It feels a little strange filling out this paperwork when our TA is no where in sight.
Another agency who also had some TA issues, received TA's today. I would so love to see this as a good sign, but just kind of wonder if theres were just late in being sent. We will know soon enough. I am hoping that worst case scenario is TA at the end of next week.
My parents bought Madeline's carseat for us. We love it! As we add things to our home for her she feels more real. I try so hard not to stare at her picture endlessly because it is difficult to know we have no clue when we will be allowed to bring her home. Placing just a tiny bit of distance between her and I has been what I have had to do to protect my heart and head.
I have spoken with our agency a few times in the past few days. It has helped my stress level tremendously. I still don't entirely buy the line they are giving us for the TA delay, but at least feel they are trying to be available.
So... we continue to wait and love our children, near and far. We will be a complete family very soon.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Plugging Along
The weekend is over and a new week is upon us. I am very thankful for this past weekend. As uptight and anxious as my hubby and I are feeling, we needed this weekend.
My best friend, Kathy, had a baby shower for us! It was just perfect. I really didn't think we would have a shower at all, so this was quite a wonderful gift. We had about 10 guests and then about 6 kids... all boys! I loved having my boys there since this was a party for their sister! Riley opened all of the presents for me. He was just too cute! He had orange D*rito lips. He would tell me to close my eyes, while he pulled the present from it's wrappings. He was just so much fun! He knew that the presents were not for him and didn't mind at all. Heck, I think the unwrapping can be more fun than the presents when you are 4! James and the big boys played video games, fished and played ball out back. I really think this is how a baby shower should be... surrounded by family, kids included. A baby shower is a party to celebrate family. I loved that my entire family was there. Jerry was the photographer. I think he loved being there, too.
On a more... hmmm... frustrating note, I sent three emails to our agency on Friday regarding this entire TA fiasco. NOT ONE WAS ANSWERED! They did send out a nice form letter email stating they needed some travel info. by Monday. Heck! We don't even know when we will travel! The email was sent after the close of business so no one could even ask a question about it until Monday... which is the due date. That just doesn't make any sense. I don't even know if we were supposed to receive the email.
I have been very disillusioned by our agency these past few months. I outlined my concerns to them and, of course, received no response. Heck, they are sending out form letter emails that are word for word what was sent to us in 2003-2004! Several emails even have wrong phone extensions listed for the person sending them out. How can that be?? I guess I am just surprised and disappointed. I have always felt that we went with the best possible agency. Now I just feel stupid. They are a business. They are not going to push and shove to make sure their clients are treated appropriately. It is very sad.
We sit here and wonder when we will travel. Part of the frustrating part is that there are families who have been home from China for over two months now who sent their paperwork to China AFTER us. Sometimes it feels like we will NEVER travel. I know that isn't the case, but boy the frustration can get to you. We feel very alone and isolated in this process.
For our first adoption, when we received Riley's referral it separated us from the bulk of the Chinese adoption community because NSN, unrequested boy referrals were virtually unheard of. I think I stepped back some since I didn't feel like I had as much in common with the others. Now, I feel separated since we won't be able to meet and travel with all of these wonderful people we have met along the way. I was so looking forward to meeting my secret pal. I was also looking forward to meeting two other friends I have made along the way. Now, that won't happen. Traveling at a different time will keep us from meeting. I guess this adoption thing is just not meant to be the way I had hoped.
I know once I get Miss M home all of this will disappear. Having my baby with me is all that matters. Surrounding her with family and love is more important than any of my hurt feelings. BUT... she just shouldn't have to wait longer. (I know, I know... I have said this before.)
So, this week I am just going to try to get things done. I am going to plug along, stay busy and just try to find a smile. Smiles have been few and far between. I am hoping our agency will step up to the plate and at least TRY to communicate with us to help us through this difficult time.
Congratulations to those who received TA's. I hope all of you scrambling to get your new I-171H's will get what you need in hand so your children don't have to wait a minute longer than necessary to be united with you. Go get your precious children and hold them close. Shower them with love and kisses. Celebrate the holidays as a FAMILY. We will celebrate here, one special miracle missing, but in our thoughts and prayers.
My best friend, Kathy, had a baby shower for us! It was just perfect. I really didn't think we would have a shower at all, so this was quite a wonderful gift. We had about 10 guests and then about 6 kids... all boys! I loved having my boys there since this was a party for their sister! Riley opened all of the presents for me. He was just too cute! He had orange D*rito lips. He would tell me to close my eyes, while he pulled the present from it's wrappings. He was just so much fun! He knew that the presents were not for him and didn't mind at all. Heck, I think the unwrapping can be more fun than the presents when you are 4! James and the big boys played video games, fished and played ball out back. I really think this is how a baby shower should be... surrounded by family, kids included. A baby shower is a party to celebrate family. I loved that my entire family was there. Jerry was the photographer. I think he loved being there, too.
On a more... hmmm... frustrating note, I sent three emails to our agency on Friday regarding this entire TA fiasco. NOT ONE WAS ANSWERED! They did send out a nice form letter email stating they needed some travel info. by Monday. Heck! We don't even know when we will travel! The email was sent after the close of business so no one could even ask a question about it until Monday... which is the due date. That just doesn't make any sense. I don't even know if we were supposed to receive the email.
I have been very disillusioned by our agency these past few months. I outlined my concerns to them and, of course, received no response. Heck, they are sending out form letter emails that are word for word what was sent to us in 2003-2004! Several emails even have wrong phone extensions listed for the person sending them out. How can that be?? I guess I am just surprised and disappointed. I have always felt that we went with the best possible agency. Now I just feel stupid. They are a business. They are not going to push and shove to make sure their clients are treated appropriately. It is very sad.
We sit here and wonder when we will travel. Part of the frustrating part is that there are families who have been home from China for over two months now who sent their paperwork to China AFTER us. Sometimes it feels like we will NEVER travel. I know that isn't the case, but boy the frustration can get to you. We feel very alone and isolated in this process.
For our first adoption, when we received Riley's referral it separated us from the bulk of the Chinese adoption community because NSN, unrequested boy referrals were virtually unheard of. I think I stepped back some since I didn't feel like I had as much in common with the others. Now, I feel separated since we won't be able to meet and travel with all of these wonderful people we have met along the way. I was so looking forward to meeting my secret pal. I was also looking forward to meeting two other friends I have made along the way. Now, that won't happen. Traveling at a different time will keep us from meeting. I guess this adoption thing is just not meant to be the way I had hoped.
I know once I get Miss M home all of this will disappear. Having my baby with me is all that matters. Surrounding her with family and love is more important than any of my hurt feelings. BUT... she just shouldn't have to wait longer. (I know, I know... I have said this before.)
So, this week I am just going to try to get things done. I am going to plug along, stay busy and just try to find a smile. Smiles have been few and far between. I am hoping our agency will step up to the plate and at least TRY to communicate with us to help us through this difficult time.
Congratulations to those who received TA's. I hope all of you scrambling to get your new I-171H's will get what you need in hand so your children don't have to wait a minute longer than necessary to be united with you. Go get your precious children and hold them close. Shower them with love and kisses. Celebrate the holidays as a FAMILY. We will celebrate here, one special miracle missing, but in our thoughts and prayers.
Friday, December 01, 2006
24 Hours Later
Well, it has been over 24 hours since we heard the horrible news that our TA had not arrived. It seems I am losing more and more faith in our agency by the minute. I sent three separate emails to them today and received NO response. I guess the tough questions are just too tough to answer.
We are now being told that the gentleman at CCAA is on a business trip, not vacation. Interesting. We are also being told that he will be out of the office until the end of next week. Hmmmm Finally, we were told that this is not a delay, but keeps us on track with their original prediction of our travel dates. What???? HUH???? So, I guess the fact that the other oh.... almost 60 familes who received TA's are off and we, who are being told that no one knows when we might receive our TA's are right???? That is just ludicrous. We are also being told this wait for TA is a good thing. It will give us time to get all of our paperwork in order. Okay... that part really insulted me. I mean, COME ON!!! Don't they realize that we would walk through FIRE in order to bring our children home?? Don't they understand that we would push, shove, kick, and mostly PRAY to make sure everything was done by TOMORROW if they could get us on a plane. Waiting to leave until AFTER our travel group returns home with their children is NOT A GOOD THING.
Now, I have spent a LOT of time thinking and talking and praying on this dilemma. I have decided that there is nothing I can do about this craziness.... but... I don't have to pretend that I believe we are hearing the whole story. The parts just don't add up.
So.... tomorrow I will have an amazing baby shower hosted by my best friend from college. I will pick myself up by my bootstraps and smile and be happy. I will celebrate my new daughter with my friends. Tomorrow will be all about the amazing little miracle in China who has no idea how much love is waiting for her.
Madeline
My amazing miracle
beautiful and true
guarded by angels in heaven
our love will always shine through
Know that you are loved
and always in our prayers
soon you will be in our arms
no longer living in despair.
You are our precious daughter
Our third miracle bold and strong
Madeline our beautiful baby
Your wait will not be very long.
M
Time stand still
Life moves on
steady and certain
never ending
blessed and ordained
We are now being told that the gentleman at CCAA is on a business trip, not vacation. Interesting. We are also being told that he will be out of the office until the end of next week. Hmmmm Finally, we were told that this is not a delay, but keeps us on track with their original prediction of our travel dates. What???? HUH???? So, I guess the fact that the other oh.... almost 60 familes who received TA's are off and we, who are being told that no one knows when we might receive our TA's are right???? That is just ludicrous. We are also being told this wait for TA is a good thing. It will give us time to get all of our paperwork in order. Okay... that part really insulted me. I mean, COME ON!!! Don't they realize that we would walk through FIRE in order to bring our children home?? Don't they understand that we would push, shove, kick, and mostly PRAY to make sure everything was done by TOMORROW if they could get us on a plane. Waiting to leave until AFTER our travel group returns home with their children is NOT A GOOD THING.
Now, I have spent a LOT of time thinking and talking and praying on this dilemma. I have decided that there is nothing I can do about this craziness.... but... I don't have to pretend that I believe we are hearing the whole story. The parts just don't add up.
So.... tomorrow I will have an amazing baby shower hosted by my best friend from college. I will pick myself up by my bootstraps and smile and be happy. I will celebrate my new daughter with my friends. Tomorrow will be all about the amazing little miracle in China who has no idea how much love is waiting for her.
Madeline
My amazing miracle
beautiful and true
guarded by angels in heaven
our love will always shine through
Know that you are loved
and always in our prayers
soon you will be in our arms
no longer living in despair.
You are our precious daughter
Our third miracle bold and strong
Madeline our beautiful baby
Your wait will not be very long.
M
Time stand still
Life moves on
steady and certain
never ending
blessed and ordained
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