I Wonder

I was reading about this family who sent a letter to close family and friends regarding attachment practices they will be following upon bringing their daughter home from China. There is a TON of research on this topic. This family made the choices that were best for their family and decided to share it in a letter prior to bringing their baby home.

One of the recipients of the letter responded anon. with just truly hateful comments. The family was able to figure out who it was that sent the response. They are trying to decide where to head with this from here.

This scenario has caused me to really sit and think about many things.

We read and researched a lot about attachment and recommendations regarding how to handle introducing people into our children's lives upon returning home from China. We talked about what we would try to do.

You know... with both adoptions things were very different than we planned. We decided to be lead by our child instead of by research. Riley handled coming home very differently than Madeline. He was also significantly older.

I understand COMPLETELY the desire to prepare close friends and family for the possible scenarios. I have read the research. I have worried as a waiting parent about whether my children would bond with me... with us.

In the time that I have spent thinking about this I came to a few conclusions.

1. I am sooooo glad we never wrote a letter to family and friends. We didn't follow the plans we shared verbally since we took all of our cues from our children. Putting this in writing somehow feels to me like it ties you in to your plans no matter how you child reacts upon coming home.

2. Even though I have read the research, talked to the professionals, etc... I think I would have been very put off if I received a similar letter. I think I would have felt like the sender was treating me like I was an idiot who would physically force my presence on a child who was struggling. Heck, I won't hold a new born who is unhappy for long. This is not because I don't want to hold the crying baby, but know that the parents come first.

3. I don't think I would respond to a hateful response to a letter I sent, but just remove the person from my life. If someone was uncomfortable with what I wrote or shared, then they should talk to me about it... not write an obnoxious hate mail letter and send it unsigned.

4. Adoptive parents are worriers. Heck... new parents are worriers. PARENTS are worriers. The unknown can be all consuming. I think worrying is just part of the parental framework.

5. People can be judgemental on both sides of a coin. Both sides can have different degrees of being wrong and right. Now, don't get me wrong. I in no way, shape or form agree with sending anon. hate letters... but I do understand the concept that this person was hurt and caught off guard by this letter. I wonder if parents of soon to be born biological children feel the need to send letters like this.

6. I feel very bad for the waiting parent. It is stressful enough waiting in a line that seems to go on endlessly for the idea of a future child but to deal with this as well.. that is tough.

7. I am glad my babies are all home now. Whew!

I think it is sad that a friendship that spanned over 20 years is ending due to something like this. That is probably the worst part of all of this. I don't know if the parents will ever forget what happened. Hopefully, with time and distance, life will move on for them in a more positive and loving way.

Okay.... jumping off this topic. Maybe I need to write more about potty training and kids.