Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Right around the corner, when? No one knows
Right around the corner love blooms
Right around the corner no more sadness looms
Right around the corner a life complete
Right around the corner another heartbeat
Right around the corner a daughter waits
Right around the corner in China lies our fate
Right around the corner, so close yet so far
Right around the corner we wish upon a star
Right around the corner love grows again
when we meet our daughter, our new, loved friend.
You can look up every night
And every star in heaven’s in its place
There’s a reason why
The full moon pulls the tide
And the waves roll into a shore that always waits
And just like that
Baby you belong
Baby you belong
Nothin’s ever been so meant to be
Or ever felt so right to me
Every single part of me believes
Baby you belong (in my life)
Oh, baby you belong (by my side)
There really is no mystery
I think anyone can see
That baby you belong with me
There’s a voice inside
And I heard it promise me
When you came along
I’d know you by heart
Like a familiar song
Every word is telling me
That the time has finally come
Now here you are
And I know for sure
Like the sun belongs up in the morning sky
For at least another million reasons why
written by Keith Follese, Wade Kirby, Bill Luther c.
2002 WB Music Corp./Scott and Soda/Follazoo Crew Music
Monday, October 30, 2006
something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not waiting passively until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient, we try to get away from where
we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later, and somewhere else. Let’s be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.” –Henri J.M.Nouwen
How far are You?
How close am I?
I know Your words are true when I don’t feel them inside
Still I believe You’ll never leave
So where are You now?
You’re all I have
You’re all I’ve known
Your breath is breathing in my soul
Still I am gasping, aching, asking,
Where are you now?
‘Cause I just want to be with You
I dream about Your promise to return
I just want this waiting to be over
And I wake up hangin’ on Your every word
I just want to be with You
For now my feet are planted here on earth
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer
And it helps to know the day is getting closer
But every minute takes and hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Till I won’t have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile!
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight,
Someone’s thinking of me, and loving me tonight.
Somewhere out there, someone’s saying a prayer
That we’ll find one another, in that big somewhere out there.
And even tho’ I know how very far apart we are,
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
It helps to know we’re sleeping underneath the same big sky.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
This just kind of sums it up.
Monday, October 23, 2006
People waiting for news of referrals liken the wait to a rollercoaster ride. It truly IS a rollercoaster ride. One day you are down because you are sure you will not receive your referral in this batch. The next day the rumor mill starts churning and you are feeling confident and positive that this is your month and up, up, up you go again.
Adoption from China, on many fronts, is a rather stable process. The wait is when the craziness starts. Each and every month when it is time for referrals to arrive it gets crazy. The highs and lows are unbelievable. This month, for us, has been chock full of highs and lows.
Honestly, as crazy as it can be around this time. I LOVE THE RIDE! I love knowing that at the end of this whirlwind, my daughter will be home, in my arms, forever.
She is so worth the ride!
Hold on tight! It is going to be a bumpy one!!
Sunday, October 22, 2006
So.. I will soon be heading to bed. You see, no matter what happens tonight, I can't change the outcome. My staying up or going to bed is not going influence CCAA to make sure our referral is lovingly tucked in the envelope sent to our agency. Yes, I am hoping and praying that this is our month... but honestly, it is out of my hands.
I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for so long with this adoption. Regardless of whether our number is up... we will see our baby soon. If our referral is not in the batch, then it will be in next month. That is really pretty much a guarantee.
I want to see my baby now, and another month will be tortureous... but I just have to stop putting myself through all of the unnecesary stress. I just have to live today and know that this process is something I can't control.
Who knows...maybe in a few days a beautiful baby picture will grace this page. If not, it will be there in a few weeks. After almost 14 months since our dossier was logged in... I guess I can wait one more month if I have to.
Madeline, I love you. Daddy and James and Riley love you too. We have not seen your face yet. We don't know how old you are. All we know is that somewhere right now you are waiting for us just as we are waiting for you. We will be there just as soon as China says we can come.
Baby of my dreams
dark hair and eyes
Loved from afar
by old and young
Feel our love sent
through kisses in the wind
Know that life has
the greatest gift of all
a family afar
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
It is amazing to think we started this process 20 months ago.. Heck..almost 21 months ago. In some ways it seems like we have been working towards this adoption forever. In other ways, it just doesn't feel real anymore.
We have been getting a lot done around the house. We have worked in the nursery, cleaned the carpets, painted, hung pictures, bought furniture... but it almost feels like just going through the motions.
I know once we have Miss Madeline's picture in front of us the reality will be powerful. Right now I just don't know what to think. Maybe part of me is just bracing for a disappointment this month.
Small little gift
Waiting, yet not realizing
Meaning so much to strangers
Sleep safe and secure
Find comfort and solace
Life will change soon
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Schools in my district are closed tomorrow. Yipee!! I get a day with my boys! It is so nice to work where they go to school. I feel lucky each and every day. Tomorrow is one of those fun days where teachers are off too. Now, I would have loved to have planned an exciting day out and about... but we have people coming to do warranty work on our kitchen counter. Whopee. (Yes, that was sarcasm.) At least we won't have to be up and moving first thing in the morning. I am really hoping the workers get here early so we can at least try to plan something fun for the afternoon. (Do you think the boys would enjoy shopping for their sister?) Well, at least we will be spending the day together. That is the best.
The boys don't have school on Monday. I only have to work a few hours in the morning. So, we will be able to have some extra time together then. It is nice knowing we will have this time together before all of the craziness starts.
My father went to the Dr. today. It seems they plan is to start radiation and then hormone treatment. At least there is a plan in place now. He will go for a CT Scan to check for kidney stones on Tuesday. He has a history of terrible stones and has had symptoms lately. When it rains in pours, I guess.
Well, just a few more weeks and we should know whether we are included in this month's referral batch. It would just be so special. We really feel confident that if we aren't in this batch then we will be in the next. It is nice to see the light at the end of tunnel.
Well, I could write for hours... but need to get the boys ready for bed.
Somedays we know
Sometimes we think
Somewhere we dream
Family at last.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Well, I have to tell you.... with all of the things going on right now... I have been working very hard at finding perspective. It is very easy to be sad, angry, scared, frustrated. I am worried about my dad. I am worried about my mother. She is trying so hard to be strong for my dad. I am overwhelmed by the wait and the unknown.
I visited my parents tonight with the boys. Riley ran and laughed, playing with Grampy. My dad laughed and played... you could visibly see the stress in his life take a backseat to the playtime with his grandson. Interesting.
My mother sat watching the play... smiling. This was the first smile I have seen from her in a week. She was happy watching her husband and grandson play together....
With all of the unknowns right now it is amazing the power a child has on the heart.
Madeline is somewhere waiting for us. She is unaware of the ache in my heart. -the ache that only she can fill. But... this is what I do know... she is truly a precious gift. She is safe until we get to her. She is not longing for us the way we are longing for her. Thankfully, ignorance of what is to come is bliss. The adjustment to her new family will be difficult... possibly even painful. She will have an ache in her heart for the comfort of the known of her life before us.
All will be well... whether by bringing Madeline home or fighting the fight of cancer... somehow things will work out as they should. The aches of our hearts will ease. The pain and longing for the future whether it be information or for a baby will go away and be filled with peace.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
big yet little
strong yet weak
patient yet ready
waiting and wondering
worry and woes
time reveals all
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Friday, October 06, 2006
The first rumor of the month regarding referrals came out yesterday. It was a good one. I don't want to get my hopes up..but boy it is hard not to. The rumor was that our L ID would be included. As much as we would love it... we are really starting to think we will have to wait until November. I think part of the frustration right now is being so close, yet having no clue how long we will still wait.
So... life is crazy and hectic. The boys are healthy and happy. Jerry and I are plugging along, supporting each other through the craziness. Things just keep on moving forward. Life is interesting that way...albeit stressful.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Yesterday I tried calling my parents a dozen times. I tried the home and cell numbers. No answer for hours. That is odd. Well, finally around 8 pm last night my mother called me. My father had a PSA count done... do to the fact of Prostate cancer 5 years ago. At that time he had his prostate removed and has been cancer free for 5 years. Well.. the cancer is back. His PSA numbers are off the charts. He will go in tomorrow for a bone scan. He had a ton of blood work done yesterday afternoon. Today my parents contacted the oncologist at Moffit Cancer Center. Things are moving quickly. Dad's doctor has PUSHED big time to make all of this happen in 24 hours. That is a good thing.. but worries me. I just don't know what this is all going to mean. I don't know when we will know either. Hopefully with all of this moving so quickly we will have some news in the very near future. It is just so scary.
Today our adoption agency contacted us to let us know that we do need to refile our immigration paperwork. On top of that whopper $600, we also need to have our State background checks redone, our child abuse checks redone AND our homestudy updated. This is looking like it is going to be one expensive mess. I am afraid this may mean the boys can't travel with us. It also may mean that we won't travel until January.
Just a little bit of good news would go so far right now.
I am already sleeping like crap and now wonder if I will ever be able to rest my mind enough to fall asleep at all.
Please keep my father in your thoughts and prayers.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Since it is now October, the month I have believed for quite some time we are getting our referral a nagging question has lingered in my head all day. Are we in or out?? I really, really, really want this to be our month. CCAA will either make it to our LID and just squeeze us in... then we would be IN!!! Or... and I even hate typing this... they may get to our date and look at the gigundous (yes, that is a word... well, at least in my vocabulary) number of dossiers logged in on our date and say... You are out! Auf Wiedersehen! We would then have to wait one more month.
Now, one more month may not seem like alot to you, but to us... it is an eternity. We have been logged in for 13 months and one week. When our dossier was logged in the wait was at 6 months. Our wait time has more than doubled!!! So, another month would be a lot.
The ultimate would be for all of August to get their referrals this time around. (It would be like we all made it to Olympus Fashion Week!) Project Runway has a final four this time... why can't we all get our referrals this time??
I am going to stick with as much pink as possible until we receive our referral. Maybe it will help the good chi in our lives. I am so afraid to get my hopes up too high, but I really want to believe that this is our month.