A Little...... sad

It is strange how I still get a little sad and very bothered by people's comments about refusing referrals based on gender. I really don't understand. Maybe I am just hypersensitive because it feels as if people are rejecting Riley. I am so fiercely protective of my children.

I think it bothers me that some of these same people are adopting from China due to the plight of abandoned children. You see, yes, the majority of the abandoned children are girls. This is a gender issue. The majority of the children are being denied the ability to be raised by their biological family based on gender alone. So... I really don't understand how people adopting can use this same discrimination logic when discussing receiving an unexpected referral for a son.


Okay, okay... I understand... everyone has reasons for the requests they have made. We even requested a daughter last time AND this time. Yup, we have reasons. That being said... we could NEVER deny our child based on gender. Would we need to step back and regroup again? Yes. Would we be shocked beyond compare that it happened again? Yes. Would we have to repaint and redecorate? Yes. Would I mourn the loss of the child I dreamt of? Yes. Would I have to step back and re-evaluate EVERYTHING? Yes.

Would I lovingly accept the child referred to me regardless of gender? Yes. I did this with Riley and would do it again in a heartbeat.

I am sad that people perpetuate discrimination under the guise of righting a wrong. Gender selection goes against everything the United States has worked to equalize over the past century.

I hope people will realize that there are those of us, with unexpected and unrequested sons from China who are hurt by the very strong and opinionated vocalizations of denying a son. It is far too personal to me.

This is probably the reason I have really not bonded with the adoption community. I feel like an outsider because people are very quick to make a black and white statement about something they truly have NO idea how they would handle unless placed in the situation.

I certainly had no idea how I would handle this situation before going through it.

So... I am a little.... sad. I feel a little.... left out. I feel a little..... out of the loop.

I will take that in order to support and defend my son. I guess that is really what I am doing. Defending Yuan Dong Bao... Riley... my surprise, miracle son whom I love with all my heart and more.

The Gift of Life

I didn't give you the gift of life, but in my heart I know
The love I feel is deep and real, as if it had been so.
For us to have each other is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you the gift of life, life gave me the gift of you.



-Author Unknown-

That Feeling....

Do you know that feeling you get Thanksgiving night? You know.. tired, happy, full.... well that is exactly how I felt last night after spending a TON of time on line yesterday watching referrals post. It is such a day of exhilaration!

I am not really sure why this one was such a big deal to me, but it was. It ended up being a very important day. You see, 5 families from our agency were referred boys. At least one of the families had not requested a boy at all!! Boy, did that bring back memories!!!

Today I was fortunate enough to have had the opportunity to talk to this family on the phone. I could let them know that someone really understands what they are going through. I could let K talk and listen.... remembering as if it were yesterday, to what is was like going through the phone call that changed everything.

Some families request either and are very surprised at the referral of a son. To request a daughter only, no either, and to be referred a son just turns your world upside down. No one can understand this unless you have lived it. In some ways the phone call with K was very therapeutic for me. I was able to go through this process with someone else and realize that overall, we handled our shocker, two years ago VERY well.

I feel lucky to have been able to hopefully bring a few minutes of understanding and comfort to someone going through a traumatic experience.... and it is traumatic!!

K and S are now members of a very elite club.

Welcome!! It is a great place to be!!

Referral Day for Many

It looks like today is going to be referral day for many June LID families! How exciting! I can't even begin to imagine what their weekend must have been like. I would guess they did everything they could to keep busy and not go crazy! I hope each and every agency receives a big, beautiful box full of referrals early this morning!!

Referral days are the best. The excitement, tears, relief that can be "heard" in all of the announcements is wonderful. After this extended wait, I am sure the relief is even greater. I can't wait to start seeing all of the stats and more importantly, pictures of all the beauties! I wonder if there will be any boys?? I wonder how old or how young the babies will be? I wonder what provinces will be represented?? There is just something about this time that is amazing for all familes, regardless of where you are in the process.

I am sure many tears will be shed today by.... families receiving referrals, by those reading the announcements and by those who know and love the new families.

Gosh, I love referral days!!!!

10 months

Ten months ago today our dossier was logged in to CCAA. Our dossier was sent to China over 11 months ago. We started the entire process over 15 months ago. YIKES! How can that be??? We have decided that we are going to start purchasing things for travel and baby. We can safely start the medical purchases now, even it we don't travel for another 5 months. We are also going to start buying some of the many things we still need for the baby like a car seat, crib sheets, bottles, blankets and more. If we don't get started now it will never get completed. We seriously don't think we will have a baby shower so that means we need to start now getting all of these items.

Part of me thinks it would be nice to have a shower to celebrate this baby, but know it just doesn't happen for a third child. I think we will plan a party to introduce Madeline to everyone after we have been home for a while. It will be intersting to see Madeline with the boys. They are just going to love her! James has already been talking about the fact that he can't wait to hold her.

So, I am thinking if I really start doing all of the things that need to be done prior to travel it may help me to deal with the wait. The wait has been getting very frustrating. I am ready to have this journey over with. I am ready to start our lives as a family of 5!!

Referrals On Their Way

Referrals are on their way for families logged in on or before June 28th. That is very good news. Three months ago CCAA sent referrals for 5 calendar days. Two months ago CCAA sent referrals for 7 calendar days. Last month CCAA sent referrals for 9 calendar days. This month they sent referrals for 13 calendar days. That is a move in the right direction. We are keeping our fingers crossed that CCAA continues this trend of adding more days to the referrals. In my dream of dreams I am thinking we will receive our referral in September and travel in November. I am wishing we would receive our referral in August, but I just don't see it. Who knows!

I am starting to feel like this may just happen!

Twenty Years

Twenty years ago I was initiated into the best fraternal organization there is.... Alpha Omicron Pi. I have loved being an AOII. I have truly made life long friends. It still amazes me when someone I have never met before, sees me wearing my letters and approaches me. They are also AOII's! I have met collegiates and alums this way. Some alums who are well into their senior years and still love the organization they pledged so many years ago.


I never considered myself the "sorority type". That is what I love about being an AOII. There isn't a type... just wonderfully, dynamic women.

Amazingly Crazy Week

Well, it has been quite a busy week. Everyone had "things" planned.

James tested for his orange belt in karate and passed with flying colors. He just LOVES karate. He takes it so seriously. He practices and puts on demonstrations at home. What a cutie! James has also taken over our old portable CD player. He struts his stuff around the house, bopping to the music. He is growing up far too fast!

Riley had a physical this week. At his last appointment he was not on the charts in the weight department and was almost to the 10th percentile in height. He is now in the 25th percentile for both! Woohoo! He has also decided that it is fun to try to back flip off the couch. As I run, clutching my chest from anxiety after him, he sticks the landing. He is such a crazy dare devil!


Jerry put in for another promotion. Boy he wants this one big time! It would be a suit and tie job. I think he would be perfect for the position... I know I am prejudice, but I really believe it. He is a nervous wreck. Of course it doesn't help that is he working two jobs right now and exhausted. He really needs to take a few days off of his night job before the interview to recharge. I am keeping my fingers crossed for him.

Yesterday was our 16th wedding anniversary. CRAZY!! We have been together for 20 years this month as well. I don't know how we are old enough to have been together this long??? In some regards it doesn't seem possible.. in others I can't really remember a time when we weren't together. We are going out tonight on a "date" to celebrate. Kids are going to grandparents home for a few hours.

I will be spending 4 days this upcoming week with my new school. I am terrified!! I guess I am actually doing this. After teaching in the same district for 16 years I can't believe I have the courage to make this change. I am looking forward to meeting the people I will be working with. I am hoping we will get a floor plan of the new school and find out where our classrooms will be located. Super exciting opening a new building. Maybe I may even make a friend! Now, that would be nice. I just don't know anyone around here. We have been here for 6 months but with traveling 55 miles each way to work each day, I had not had the opportunity to meet people. I am hoping this changes.

We made it through Alberto with some wind and a lot of much needed rain. The grass is actually looking healthy! Woohoo! I really hope this isn't a chaotic hurricane season. We need to have our summer rains get started, but not the hellish hurricane panics every few weeks.

Well, I have rambled enough...

M

By the way... rumors are starting to swirl about the next batch of referrals. Personally, I can't even begin to get my hopes up that things will speed up. This wait is terribly depressing. I just hope and pray that whoever is caring for my baby is somehow letting her know that she is loved.

An Open Letter to My Secret Pal

Dear Secret Pal,

I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for all of your generosity. I am working on getting my digital camera up and running so I can post some pictures of your very thoughtful gifts. Whenever your packages arrive the boys and I rush around like lunatics. We take turns opening the box and digging out the goodies. This is really a family event! They are very excited about having a little sister. Your gifts is making this so much more real to them.

I also wanted to tell you what a great laugh I got out of your note. When you mentioned that you had looked for a tiara for me, I almost fell out of my chair! I write and add things to this blog is such a random manner. I honestly never in a million years thought anyone was reading my rambling. You made my day. The post I wrote about being the princess of my family is, literally, a regular discussion around here. Yes, I mention it it jest, but GEESH!!! I do think being the only girl in the house should count for something!

That being said, I am far from a girly girl. I am hair challenged... could not use a curling iron to save my life. I don't know exactly how many years ago it was I last put anything besides a scrunchie or pony tail holder in my hair. I do own a blow dryer, though it is rarely used. A good friend of mine... a true girly girl, has been trying to teach my how to braid. Okay... I am a relatively intelligent woman, but MAN, that is TOUGH!!

I have hung the outfits you have sent for Madeline in her closet. The bathing suit and pajamas have been lovingly placed in her dresser.. the only items actually IN the dresser. I have a cute little basket on top of her dresser for her hair... thingys... (Is that the correct word for them??) I cherish each and every item you have sent.

I am a very outgoing person but since we recently moved I have found that my friends are my husband and children right now. Knowing there is someone out there thinking of me and following along with my inane posts makes me feel just a little bit better.

You are the BEST!

M

"Thought You Would Be Here" by Wes King

We thought you'd be here by now
Your mother and I
We're praying through our tears that somehow
We might hear your sweet cry
Have we waited too long
It's getting harder to be strong
Is there something we've done wrong

But if you like dancing
I'll make it rain rhythm, and rhyme, and melodies, child
And if you like dreaming
Your mother will make your imagination run wild
Somehow, we thought you'd be here by now

We have a room just for you upstairs
It's right down the hall
So we'll be close should you ever get scared
We'll come when you call
It's a room full of stories
Waiting to be told
Longing to behold

And if you like laughing
I'll paint you a circus of smiles and ferris wheels, dear
And if you like living
Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near

Somehow...

I never knew the silence could make me so deaf
I never knew that I could miss someone I've never met
Miss someone I haven't met yet

No News Is NOT Good News

The old saying No news is good news is probably the WORST saying ever! Right now the lack of information or news from China is not a good thing. It would help if we just had some small idea of how things are going to progress. Our agency says nothing. They won't even speculate. They sent out an update which contained absolutely nothing new and useful for us. Hmmm.... just some little morsel is all that we need.

While following our different dtc/lid groups I see others are feeling the same frustration. I hate to see others hurting. I guess we should find some solace in knowing that we are not alone.. but so many people are just so frustrated.

We are very blessed to have our boys. Many of these families are waiting for their first child. As difficult as this wait is, we do have our sons. I am so glad I didn't complete the nursery months ago. I would like to get it better under control now, but worry that I am just setting myself up for staring at a completed and empty nursery.

Lately I have felt that Madeline is somewhere waiting. For some reason I feel like she is alive and either in a SWI or with a foster family. Maybe that is why some of this is exacerbated. Thinking that we are waiting and she is waiting and this timeline is non existent is..... perplexing.

I am ready for some news, any news.... just accurate news. Someone, somewhere must know something.

Hey!

It's June!!! WOWOWOWOW! I am really so shocked that June is already here. I guess deep down inside I am really hoping referrals will pick up this month. It seems that as I turn the page on the calendar I have renewed hope. So much speculation. So many rumors. So much unknown. So much lack of concrete information. Sometimes I think I can feel Madeline in my heart. It is strange how your heart can ache for someone you have never seen or met. My heart aches for Madeline.

When I need to feel closer to her I go in her room and rock in the rocking chair. Lately, Riley has wanted me to rock him again. I love that! Kids grow up so darn fast. I miss being able to rock James. He did humor me a few weeks ago and sit on my lap in the rocking chair for about 15 minutes. We talked and laughed. It seems like just yesterday when Jerry surprised me with the rocking chair. I was about 12 weeks pregnant for James. We arrived home from an outing to find a very large box on the front porch. It contained the rocking chair.

I have been blessed to be able to rock both of my boys in that chair. Hopefully soon I will be rocking Madeline. The chair is about 10 years old now. It is starting to creak. It doesn't match the decor of the nursery... yet it is completely precious and perfect to me. All of my children, each such an individual miracle will have been rocked by me in that chair.

James, the baby we were were told we could never have
Riley, the boy baby that we didn't even know was an option... biggest surprise of our lives
Madeline, the baby girl who is somewhere in China waiting for her Mama to rock her.

The rocking chair has been a sleep aid, a source of comfort, a warm place in Mama's arms, an avoiding going to be tactic, a soothing a bad dream place and so much more.

Who would have thought a rocking chair could be so important.