Wednesday, September 28, 2005

My boys

I am so lucky to have my boys. I think that is something I can take for granted at times. Whenever it is referral time, I really get a little emotional going back to our referral for Ri. I can remember vividly waiting anxiously for the phone to ring. I refused to even walk to the front porch. I wanted to be close to my paper and pencil so I would remember to write down all the details.

The phone rang....

The voice on the other end asked if I was ready. Duh! Of course! (I had been ready since the day we decided to adopt a daughter from CHina. I worked diligently on our dossier and patiently awaited referral day. Now it was here!! I wanted to hear all about my little girl.)

I told the person, of course I was ready. Then she said... I mean it. Are you ready? YES!! My husband sat down in the chair next to the sofa where I sat. Then the voice said.... "It's a boy." What? Huh? How can that be, I thought. I asked the voice... are you sure you are calling the right family. She assured me she was. I mouthed the word "boy" to my husband. He looked at me like I was crazy. I jotted down a few things the person on the phone was telling me and then I interrupted her. I said... how can we have a son??? We requested a daughter. She said.."What????" I explained to her that we requested a daughter, not either or boy. She paused.... a LONG pause. She then said someone else could call us back. I told her I wanted the rest of the info. but was truly in shock. I wrote everything down, hung up the phone.

I then told DH everything that was shared on the phone. We were flabergasted. We had NEVER heard of anything like this. I felt as if I had walked into a sliding glass door... My brain knew something had happened, just couldn't figure out what. After about 5 seconds, I knew that this little boy that was referred to me was my son. I cried. DH was amazed at how quickly I knew.

A few minutes later the phone rang again. A bigwig from our agency got on the phone. She has pulled the copy of our dossier and verified that we indeed had requested a girl. She asked what we thougth. I told her to email me my baby's picture. I needed to see my sweet son. She emailed the picture and boy was I in love. He was the most beautiful little peanut in the world.

I cried. DH cried. We cried together. I cried some more. I had a son!!!!!! Strange how I knew he was mine.. even with the violet nursery and little dresses hanging in the closet. This was my baby.

Our son, James, was so excited. We told him about his brother.... shared the pictures. He looked at me and said the most amazing thing. "WE GOT WHAT WE WANTED, MOM!!! A BABY!!!!!" Talk about wisdom beyond his years. We, in fact, did get what we dreamed of... a baby. Now, we didn't expect the outdoor plumbing, but boy, he was perfect.

We then drove all over town showing our families our new addition. The surprise and shock on their faces was priceless. I have heard we looked a little shell shocked ourselves.

Now, my two boys play, laugh, fight, giggle... share, bicker, hug, kiss.... smile, cry, love and adore each other. They are brothers through and through.

When referrals come around I am always amazed at the harsh comments people make when the discussion turns to unexpected boys. I feel the need to defend by baby. I do feel as if this has, in some ways, isolated me from the rest of the Chinese adoption community. I don't really feel like I fit. I see everyone posting and growing friendships. I sit back and watch the show... wishing a little that a friend was out there for me.. but not willing to stop defending my amazing son so to not make waves.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Dreams of Madeline

Well, I have been thinking ALOT lately about my daughter. I wonder so many things. I am guessing that she has already been born. I wonder if she if she is warm, fed and content. I wonder if she feels safe. Does she know how it feels to know you are truly loved? Is she able to sleep peacefully? I wonder if she will know, in her heart that she is loved when she is placed in my arms. Will she learn to love me as much as I already love her? Will she enjoy her two crazy brothers? Who will receive the first cherished smile? (My guess is James or Riley.) Will she snuggle in close and feel our love protecting her from her fears?

So much happens in her little life before I can get to her. I hate that!! I know it is necessary in order for her to come home, but just hate the thought of her crying, feeling alone and me not being able to make it all better. It is amazing that she is so deeply rooted in my heart already. I truly feel love for her. Hmmm... Who would have thought that a grouchy, old teacher with two rough and tumble boys would melt at the site of pink little shoes. My poor husband must think I have lost it. (Actually, he knows me well enough to know that my kids are my life.)

I wish I could at least count down.... waiting is the pits.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Working Late and thinking

Well, I am working late and thinking nonstop about Madeline. I wonder what she is doing right now. Is she sleeping peacefully? Is she laughing? Is she feeling safe and secure, loved and cherised? I know all of these will happen... just hate the thought of her somewhere besides in my arms. She has been in my heart for a LONG time now. I am ready for her to be home, safe and sound, knowing she is loved.

I can't wait to just whisper in her ear how much I love her. I can't wait to see her brothers kiss her lovingly on the cheek. I can't wait to sit on the floor next to her sleeping body and listen to her breathe. I can't wait to hear her giggle. I can't wait to play little games like peek a boo. I can't wait to smell her skin after a bath. I can't wait to hold her in my arms as she slips into slumber.

I can't wait to be her mother... forever!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Here again

Well, the week is half over. I can't wait until tomorrow! We are going for the pre-drywall walk through in our new home! We are officially 60 days from closing!!! YIPEE!!! We are so excited about our new home. We have begun purchasing blinds and drapes, planning the kids rooms and more. This is certainly more than I could have ever wished for. We just love our new neighborhood. Hopefully we will meet some of our neighbors before moving in. We see people drive by, but have yet to meet either family building next to us.

In 10 days our dossier will have been logged in one month!! Yipee! ONE MONTH DOWN, 6 TO GO! I can't wait for referral day. It is just indescribable. Keep your fingers crossed our referral comes in February instead of March. GWCA thinks it is possible.

Dreaming of referral day..............

Monday, September 12, 2005

Working on Patience...

Well, it is the beginning of another week. I have been working hard on having patience. I have been trying very hard not to let everything that is going on around us magnify life. We are very excited to go to our pre-drywall walk through on Thursday. MI Homes says that once we have done the walk through we are officially 60 days out!! Yipee!! These cramped quarters are starting to take their toll. I know it will be all worth it once we are in our new home!

James and Riley are really enjoying school. James just seems to enjoy his peers so much at this age. I guess 8... almost 9 is a great age for learning how to make friends. Riley LOVES school. He just wants to learn and do more. We were very excited to hear that his large motor skills are on target. He had a blast today. It was his best buddy, Coby's birthday. We hear he was quite a ham for the camera. How fun!!

Jerry is working hard on his college night course. He really is an amazing role model for the boys. Jerry is determined to stick with this. I just want him to be happy and feel good about himself.

I am working hard and dreaming of baby. I can't wait to see Madeline's referral picture. I am already so in love with her. I know I will just cry like a baby when her picture arrives. Once we get in the house, watch out stores.. here I come!! I am looking forward to shopping for Madeline and decorating the nursery. Even with all of the warnings to wait just in case it is another boy, I am going to throw caution to the wind and embrace my daughter. I feel her already.

Here are my predictions:
10 months at referral
Nanning, big brother Riley
Referral: 2/22 - probably 3/5 is more realistic
Travel 4/9 - probably 5/5 is more realistic

I am keeping hope alive for a February referral and April travel.

Watch out China! Here we come!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005


Everyone got back to work today after the long Labor Day weekend. James and Riley headed back to school. Both boys didn't seem to mind getting back in to the swing of things. Riley came home from school very happy to see his family. He has been full of hugs and kisses all afternoon. James came home a little more subdued. I think this is going to be a rough week for him. He was not in class today since it was Gifted day. He really enjoys going to Gifted, but is certainly not used to starting his week this way. Jerry got back to work and was VERY tired this afternoon. He actually headed back to work after dinner in order to get a few things done. His maintenance tech was out today so Jerry spent the day running in a million different directions. With work, school and family stuff going on... not to mention the house and adoption, his plate is very full. I worked today as well but am fortunate that I will spend tomorrow at a workshop. Leaving sub. plans is not fun but the day away will be nice.

No news on the adoption front, but that will come soon. Our dossier should be in the process of being translated right now. That is exciting. It is nice to know that things are progressing even though it is all out of our hands.

Monday, September 05, 2005

A short week

Well, the long weekend is almost over. The extra day was certainly needed. With everything going on around us we certainly needed this extra day. It is so hard to believe that September is underway! In many ways it is so very exciting. We are one step closer to closing on our new home. We are one step closer to the busy holiday season. Most importantly, we are one step closer to Madeline.

I went shopping with my mom today. I really thought I had found the perfect crib set for Madeline's room until I happened upon an absolutely adorable set today. It is ladybugs. (Yes, I know, very cliche for Chinese adoption but I LOVE it!!) I was excited to see it really is not too costly either. I think I may need to seriously rethink the entire nursery theme. I am really liking this ladybug stuff. I am trying to wait to purchase the items for Madeline's nursery until after we move in to the house. We have a guaranteed closing for November which isn't too far away. I don't know if I can wait that long, though. I am chomping at the bit to get things underway for her.

Everyone tells me to take it slow since we had such a surprise with Riley's referral. It seems so long ago (almost another lifetime) when Maureen and I painted the room a lovely violet color only to get Riley's unreal referral just a few days later. I am sometimes still caught off guard when people question whether or not we really never requested a son. People in the yahoo groups have even accused me of lying. Hey, this story is far too good to make up. Now when I sit and hold Riley in my arms during those quiet, sleepy times I can't imagine anyone else bringing me such happiness. The shock of his referral is something that now seems so far in the past. He is certainly my baby, through and through.

I have enjoyed the therapeutic effects writing this blog has given me. It helps to center me in this crazy, crazy time. It helps me put into perspective all that is going on around me.

Who would have thought that rambling would be so good for the soul!!