Contemplation

I have been deep in thought lately on a variety of subjects. There is just a lot of thinking going on here... and that is never a good thing!


One of the topics that has kept my mind whirling while awake and permeated my dreams at night has to do with a friend of mine. I met this friend back in 1985 when I first went away to college. We hit it off instantly. We became the best of friends as pledge sisters. We made each other laugh until our sides hurt. Heck, she went on my first date with my husband with me.

Over the years we touched base here and there. We would go through spurts of time when we would spend time together and then we would move apart. I have thought long and hard about this.

The times we spent apart were usually her times of challenge. She made some decisions that really have caused her life today to be what it is... and not in a good way.

She tried being a foster parent. She had an amazing little girl whom she loved very much. We spent a lot of time together during this time.... until... she started "dating" the little girl's father. This was wrong on so many levels. First, ethically, it was a huge conflict of interest. This little girl was removed from her father's care by the court. He was not to be spending time with his child during this time... yet he spent countless hours at my friends' home. He romanced her. He professed deep feelings for her. He pulled her in close and then dropped the hammer. He got his daughter back and pushed my friend away. He had never really cared about her. He used her as a means to get to his daughter. It was gut wrenching to watch. She spiraled down and I don't think she has ever fully recovered.

This started a long period of distance between us. I tried valiantly to stay close.. but she just made many excuses and explanations as to why she couldn't talk or see me. She was hurting and she wouldn't let me... or anyone else in.

A few years later I was still trying to maintain some semblence of contact. My friend's mood changed. She seemed more happy. I could tell something was going on. Somehow, deep inside, I knew she was seeing someone... a woman. My friend took 2 years before she was honest with me about who she was seeing. I think I have always thought that the hurt she experienced previously caused her to not trust a man again. It also caused her to have little to no faith in herself as a worthy companion.

My friend eventually allowed my husband and I to meet her girlfriend. At first we really liked her. We thought she was supportive and kind and caring. As we got to know her over the next few years a different view came to light. This woman came from a very abusive and neglected childhood. She was not a faithful partner to my friend. She cheated on her more than once. She lied and stole from my friend. Eventually, it got to the point where my friend became an emotional wreck. It was horrible.

One year ago this week, my friends' partner of 6 + years moved out. She moved in with her new girlfriend. She took furniture. She took money. She took the last bit of strength my friend possessed.

6 months later my friend was involuntarily committed. (You have no idea how difficult this is to write.) Her ex-girlfriend drove her to the hospital and then called me. Never in a million years did I expect to talk to this woman again, much less to have her tell me my friend was in a psychiatric ward of a hospital.

The next day I went and visited my friend. I could not believe I was there... checking in my purse... going through multiple locked doors. It was unsettling. My friend was surprised to see me... yet not surprised at all. I was instantly glad I went. I visited her regularly during her time hospitalized.

Almost 2 months after being released from the hospital I received a text message from my friend. It asked what I was doing. I said something like.. just enjoying some down time. I asked her what she was doing. She was driving herself back to the hospital. She had spent the previous 48 hours doing some major drugs. In our 23 years as friends I had never seen or heard of her doing any drugs... much less the ones she said she had done. She asked me to call her mother and tell her that her daughter was being committed again. What a difficult call to make.

This time I visited my friend only once. I had to talk to her face to face while IN the hospital. I told her something that I never thought I would ever say. I told her that she could not come around my family if drugs were in her life. I told her I loved her. I told her I missed her. I told her that I could not and would not endanger or expose my children to this. I hugged her and walked away.

I still speak to my friend a few times a week. She is home. She is struggling. In no way, shape or form do I think she is out of the woods. I think she will either end up hospitalized again, dead or homeless.

I don't know what to do from this point on.

-I had another friend about 16 years ago who committed suicide. I still struggle today with this. I don't want to lose another friend.

Part of me wants to distance myself emotionally from my friend. The other part of me needs to keep in contact.

I can't be responsible for her choices. I can't prevent her from doing things. I just can't walk away either.

I don't know if staying in contact is doing any good at all. I dream about my friend often. I worry when she doesn't answer her phone or respond to a text message. I am the ONLY friend in her life right now who has been around longer than 6 months. I am the ONLY friend in her life right now that she didn't meet while drunk in a bar.

I can't allow her to be around my family.

I just don't know what to do.