Let Go, Let God

I was listening to the radio earlier and a song came on that got me thinking. The song is a Christian song about releasing your plans and dreams. The actual song wasn't that moving to me, but the initial hook got my brain going.

When I was younger I had plans. My plans included marriage, having a house full of children, a successful job, big house, surrounded by friends and family. Now, in some ways all of my plans have been fulfilled. They have not, though, been fulfilled as I envisioned all of those years ago.

Jerry and I have been married for 18 years. We have been together for 22 years. During those years we have changed tremendously. We are VERY fortunate. We have watched friends and family marry and divorce. We have seen couples grow apart. We are so very blessed that our marriage has sustained. Not only has our marriage lasted, but we are closer and stronger than ever before. Yes, we argue. (I am usually in the right! HA!!) Yes, we are not the same people who met all of those years ago. We have changed drastically.... but we have changed together and never lost sight of our relationship.

When we were engaged we went to counseling through the Catholic church. We completed individual inventories on life and marriage expectations. We both wanted a big family. We both wanted 6 (gulp) kids. We both wanted to start getting pregnant about a year after marriage. We were both on the same page when it came to family.

We didn't see fertility issues in our future... why should we? We were both young and healthy. We never once even considered that this could be part of our life path. About 10 months after getting married we started "trying". We no longer used birth control. We just let life take it's course for 4 years before we really considered the possibility that something could be causing us to not get pregnant.

Eventually we decided to start having some tests run. It took about a year before we were finally told we had a 1 in 10 million chance of conceiving. Hmmm.. now, I am no Mathematician, but those odds just didn't sound good. We decided to buck the system and have IUI anyway. We took meds. Jerry gave me injections. On the day decided in a room full of doctors, interns and nurses we were inseminated. Two weeks later I got a positive pregnancy test result. We were elated. We were back on track.... for having those babies we so dearly wanted.

Nine weeks later I started bleeding... ALOT. I passed something big. It was obvious I was having a miscarriage... but I just couldn't believe it. We called our OB. We went to the ER. They did an ultrasound.... and there he was, JAMES! His little peanut body had a beautifully flickering heart! I had lost a baby.. and one remained. We had not known previously that I was pregnant with twins. That didn't even matter at that point. I was still pregnant. My baby was still growing inside me even though his sibling had left us. I spent the next 6 weeks in bed.

On November 11, 1996 James was born. He came into this world strong and healthy. He did not scream. He came here pensive and thoughtful. He is still that way today.

One year later we tried again. We get pregnant 3 more times in the next 18 months and miscarried within weeks each time.

We took some time off from fertility treatments. We enjoyed watching our son grow and change.

In 2001 we decided to try again. After 2 miscarriages we decided to stop for a few months. In January of 2002 we decided to try again.

I got pregnant. On February 6th I had a tubal rupture. I was rushed to the hospital. I had major internal bleeding. When they wheeled me into the OR, Jerry was told I might not make it.

Life changed instantly.

4 weeks before my tubal rupture a little boy was born in NanNing, GuangXi, People's Republic of China.

We didn't begin our adoption voyage until 2003. We decided it was not worth risking my life in order to add children to our family. Adoption, which had never been discussed before became our changed plan. God knew that we were stubborn. He knew that we would not see adoption as our journey unless He sent us a big message. My tubal rupture was that message.

Riley was born January 11, 2002. I had to have that rupture because MY baby had already been born in China. He was waiting for me... for us.... for his mother, father and brother.

During our initial adoption journey we requested an infant daughter. During our wait, James told us over and over again he wanted a brother. We had to explain to him, countless times, that he would have a sister.

When our referral call came, our lives were shook in a way I never imagined. The voice on the other end of the line told us that our infant daughter was actually a 2 year old son. James had his brother!! We had to repaint, redecorate and shop, shop, shop!!

We thought we knew the plan to our family but God knew better.

Riley was placed in our arms at 28 months old. He has filled our hearts and lives ever since.

During our wait for Riley, Jerry and I knew that this would be our last child. haha Silly. You would think we would have learned by now that we had to let God show us the way.

The minute we stepped foot in China in May of 2004 we knew we would return. It was a given. No hesitation. No real discussion. We both were certain that we would return again to bring home another child that God had chosen for us.

In 2005 we started the journey to Madeline. We had learned over and over again that all would work out just as it should. We knew that our child would come to us... male or female, young or older... our child was waiting.

Madeline has added a new dimension to our lives we never saw coming. She is strong, sassy and whew!!! temperamental. Jerry calls her my Mini Me. There is more truth in that then I really care to acknowledge! (Don't tell him I said so!!)

In the last 22 years years we have Let Go and Let God many times. We made a move to a city we really didn't know at all... because we Let God lead us there. It has turned out to be the BEST move we could have ever made. Our children are happy. We have amazing friends and neighbors. We have all grown and blossomed as individuals since we moved. It was more than we could have ever expected.

After the move I took the leap of faith and changed school districts. I had been with the same district for 16 years! It was my comfort zone. I applied in the district of our new home. I was offered a job at our neighborhood school. I was scared to make this change... but I Let God lead me. This has been the best move. I work with amazing people. I have an outstanding principal. The boys have thrived.

Whenever we have Let Go and Let God lead us life has given us greater rewards and riches than we could have ever imagined our planned for ourselves.

We planned our life... but the plans we had made don't come close the the reality we have lived. Jerry and I sit together at night after all has quieted down around us and just marvel in our blessings. We appreciate and cherish all that we have been given. We know that the obstacles that have been placed in our way were there to lead us to this place of grace.

Life is good.