I was reading about this family who sent a letter to close family and friends regarding attachment practices they will be following upon bringing their daughter home from China. There is a TON of research on this topic. This family made the choices that were best for their family and decided to share it in a letter prior to bringing their baby home.
One of the recipients of the letter responded anon. with just truly hateful comments. The family was able to figure out who it was that sent the response. They are trying to decide where to head with this from here.
This scenario has caused me to really sit and think about many things.
We read and researched a lot about attachment and recommendations regarding how to handle introducing people into our children's lives upon returning home from China. We talked about what we would try to do.
You know... with both adoptions things were very different than we planned. We decided to be lead by our child instead of by research. Riley handled coming home very differently than Madeline. He was also significantly older.
I understand COMPLETELY the desire to prepare close friends and family for the possible scenarios. I have read the research. I have worried as a waiting parent about whether my children would bond with me... with us.
In the time that I have spent thinking about this I came to a few conclusions.
1. I am sooooo glad we never wrote a letter to family and friends. We didn't follow the plans we shared verbally since we took all of our cues from our children. Putting this in writing somehow feels to me like it ties you in to your plans no matter how you child reacts upon coming home.
2. Even though I have read the research, talked to the professionals, etc... I think I would have been very put off if I received a similar letter. I think I would have felt like the sender was treating me like I was an idiot who would physically force my presence on a child who was struggling. Heck, I won't hold a new born who is unhappy for long. This is not because I don't want to hold the crying baby, but know that the parents come first.
3. I don't think I would respond to a hateful response to a letter I sent, but just remove the person from my life. If someone was uncomfortable with what I wrote or shared, then they should talk to me about it... not write an obnoxious hate mail letter and send it unsigned.
4. Adoptive parents are worriers. Heck... new parents are worriers. PARENTS are worriers. The unknown can be all consuming. I think worrying is just part of the parental framework.
5. People can be judgemental on both sides of a coin. Both sides can have different degrees of being wrong and right. Now, don't get me wrong. I in no way, shape or form agree with sending anon. hate letters... but I do understand the concept that this person was hurt and caught off guard by this letter. I wonder if parents of soon to be born biological children feel the need to send letters like this.
6. I feel very bad for the waiting parent. It is stressful enough waiting in a line that seems to go on endlessly for the idea of a future child but to deal with this as well.. that is tough.
7. I am glad my babies are all home now. Whew!
I think it is sad that a friendship that spanned over 20 years is ending due to something like this. That is probably the worst part of all of this. I don't know if the parents will ever forget what happened. Hopefully, with time and distance, life will move on for them in a more positive and loving way.
Okay.... jumping off this topic. Maybe I need to write more about potty training and kids.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
One More Thing....
James crossed over from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts tonight after 5 years of learning and laughing. He earned his Arrow of Light. We are so proud of him!
Boy Scouts will be a whole new world.
Also... football scares me. I love watching the pros, but hate watching my baby. Who do those other boys think they are hitting and tackling my baby!!! (Umm... and James is probably the tallest kid out there. He is far from a delicate child, but I still hate it.) Maybe he will decide he likes another sport that does not involve physical contact. I know, fat chance.
Boy Scouts will be a whole new world.
Also... football scares me. I love watching the pros, but hate watching my baby. Who do those other boys think they are hitting and tackling my baby!!! (Umm... and James is probably the tallest kid out there. He is far from a delicate child, but I still hate it.) Maybe he will decide he likes another sport that does not involve physical contact. I know, fat chance.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Crossing My Fingers
Well, my sweet Miss M has decided she rather likes the potty. Yesterday, totally on her own, she asked to sit on the potty twice. BOTH times she emptied her bladder!!!!!!! WOOOHOOO!!!! We danced and sang the peepee in the potty song. It was glorious! She was so proud... and rightfully so. Wow! I am thinking if we really start trying this potty thing on a regular basis she may potty train fairly quickly.
She is just growing up so quickly. Madeline has decided she does not want to be called Maddie at all. If anyone breaks this new rule she will not hesitate to correct you by saying.. No Maddie, I Madeline. Such a little thing yet so opinionated. This whole language explosion is great... but with a greater vocabulary comes the ability to make our thoughts known especially when we disagree.
My girl is growing taller by the minute. A year ago she was in 9 month sized clothing. Now she completely fills out 24 month sized clothing. We really think she will ultimately be taller than Riley. She has big feet, long legs and is just a solid kid for her age as compared to US growth charts. She is no wilting daisy.
Madeline is starting to ask for me to do things with her hair. She will generally leave it alone unless she is bored in the car seat or in her crib. Otherwise she likes to have her hair done up. Now, as she gets older I see this becoming a problem. For anyone who knows me well... they know... I am rather hair challenged. I am not a froofroo hair thingy kind of gal. I can brush my hair and put a schrunchie in it and that is about it. I am not kidding. I almost burnt down the house using a blow dryer. I have a flat iron because it was a gift. I have no clue how to use it. As long as M. is content with a barrette or pony tails we are good. Beyond that I may have to go to beauty school.... I have this big fear of being like Frenchy in Grease... a beauty school drop out. I don't want to embarass my girl, but hair stuff is truly beyond my abilities.
Hey... does anyone know if it is easier if I let her bangs grow out? I am thinking it would be so cute with them pulled back to one side... but don't know if I am opening a whole new hair care bag of worms. Advice is greatly appreciated.
By the way.... I am LOVING having a daughter. My boys are so all mine. Madeline is a Daddy's girl. This is new to me. The boys always choose me first. Madeline is all Jerry's. It is so different. I love trying to figure out of these girly things. She is so worth it.
She is just growing up so quickly. Madeline has decided she does not want to be called Maddie at all. If anyone breaks this new rule she will not hesitate to correct you by saying.. No Maddie, I Madeline. Such a little thing yet so opinionated. This whole language explosion is great... but with a greater vocabulary comes the ability to make our thoughts known especially when we disagree.
My girl is growing taller by the minute. A year ago she was in 9 month sized clothing. Now she completely fills out 24 month sized clothing. We really think she will ultimately be taller than Riley. She has big feet, long legs and is just a solid kid for her age as compared to US growth charts. She is no wilting daisy.
Madeline is starting to ask for me to do things with her hair. She will generally leave it alone unless she is bored in the car seat or in her crib. Otherwise she likes to have her hair done up. Now, as she gets older I see this becoming a problem. For anyone who knows me well... they know... I am rather hair challenged. I am not a froofroo hair thingy kind of gal. I can brush my hair and put a schrunchie in it and that is about it. I am not kidding. I almost burnt down the house using a blow dryer. I have a flat iron because it was a gift. I have no clue how to use it. As long as M. is content with a barrette or pony tails we are good. Beyond that I may have to go to beauty school.... I have this big fear of being like Frenchy in Grease... a beauty school drop out. I don't want to embarass my girl, but hair stuff is truly beyond my abilities.
Hey... does anyone know if it is easier if I let her bangs grow out? I am thinking it would be so cute with them pulled back to one side... but don't know if I am opening a whole new hair care bag of worms. Advice is greatly appreciated.
By the way.... I am LOVING having a daughter. My boys are so all mine. Madeline is a Daddy's girl. This is new to me. The boys always choose me first. Madeline is all Jerry's. It is so different. I love trying to figure out of these girly things. She is so worth it.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Jenni's Grandparents
My friend, Jenni, wrote a post on her blog about her grandmother, Mamaw. I have to tell you, it brought back a flood of wonderful memories.
Jenni and I met back in 1988, I think. We were in college together. We got to know each other and became great friends. During this time Jenni's grandparents were a very present part of her life at home. Because of that, I was lucky enough to be able to get to know them, too.
Jenni's grandfather, Papaw, was a very unique man. He was sweet and kind... but you could tell he had always worked hard in his life. He would talk about growing crops, his home in TN and the rough years. He was friendly and always had an innocent hospitality about him. I will never forget Jenni telling me about Papaw being hit by the car. Her family was having a yard/garage sale, I think. Papaw had gone out to the main road to put a sign up or down. (Heck, this has been 20 years, I am trying to put the pieces back together here.) Papaw was hit by a car. Now, this man was tough as nails. He survived and lived for many more years sharing his wisdom and memories.
Jenni's grandmother, Mamaw, was a cute little spit fire. She loved her family fiercely. She had the sweetest voice. I used to love seeing Mamaw. She greeted me like family. She welcomed me with a feeling of love and acceptance. It always felt like an honor to be in Mamaw's presence. I think one of the memories of Mamaw that will always bring a smile to my face was after Mamaw had lost her eyesight. I remember walking into Jenni's parent's home in Lake Wales. Mamaw was sitting at the table. I walked over to greet her with a hug. Mamaw took my hands in hers and said ... in her southern drawl... "Now, Mary, I can't see very well anymore but I sure am glad you are here." She was so wonderful. Mamaw made me feel like she cared for me as much as she did for her family. She just had that way about her.
Reading Jenni's post about Mamaw has opened up a few conversations between Jerry and I about our memories of Mamaw and Papaw. They were just good people, who cared about others and treated us with acceptance, kindness and love. We miss them.
Jenni and I met back in 1988, I think. We were in college together. We got to know each other and became great friends. During this time Jenni's grandparents were a very present part of her life at home. Because of that, I was lucky enough to be able to get to know them, too.
Jenni's grandfather, Papaw, was a very unique man. He was sweet and kind... but you could tell he had always worked hard in his life. He would talk about growing crops, his home in TN and the rough years. He was friendly and always had an innocent hospitality about him. I will never forget Jenni telling me about Papaw being hit by the car. Her family was having a yard/garage sale, I think. Papaw had gone out to the main road to put a sign up or down. (Heck, this has been 20 years, I am trying to put the pieces back together here.) Papaw was hit by a car. Now, this man was tough as nails. He survived and lived for many more years sharing his wisdom and memories.
Jenni's grandmother, Mamaw, was a cute little spit fire. She loved her family fiercely. She had the sweetest voice. I used to love seeing Mamaw. She greeted me like family. She welcomed me with a feeling of love and acceptance. It always felt like an honor to be in Mamaw's presence. I think one of the memories of Mamaw that will always bring a smile to my face was after Mamaw had lost her eyesight. I remember walking into Jenni's parent's home in Lake Wales. Mamaw was sitting at the table. I walked over to greet her with a hug. Mamaw took my hands in hers and said ... in her southern drawl... "Now, Mary, I can't see very well anymore but I sure am glad you are here." She was so wonderful. Mamaw made me feel like she cared for me as much as she did for her family. She just had that way about her.
Reading Jenni's post about Mamaw has opened up a few conversations between Jerry and I about our memories of Mamaw and Papaw. They were just good people, who cared about others and treated us with acceptance, kindness and love. We miss them.
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