A dark cloud......

On Thursday morning my cell phone rang at 7:15 am. It was Jerry. His sister had called to say she could not wake their mother. She was breathing, had a high fever but was not responding. The Hospice nurse came to the house and said the end was near but it may not be today. At 8:30 am, while teaching my 5th grade class, my cell phone rang again. It was Jerry. He was already at his mother's home. She had passed away. Wow. I immediately buzzed the office and asked for coverage, found my principal and left as quickly as possible to get to Jerry. I left James at school, not knowing what I was walking in to.

Upon arriving at the house all but one of Jerry's siblings had already arrived. His one brother had an hour drive. All of the spouses were already there. Jerry walked over to me and collapsed into my arms. It was so heartbreaking. I wished there was something, anything I could do to help this pain go away. After spending a few minutes, just us we approached the rest of the family.

I then learned that Hospice was on their way. Jerry's mother was still in the house. One by one the siblings took turns spending time with their mother. After Jerry's brother arrived, the funeral home was called. Thank God I did not bring James with me!!

Well, needless to say, the days since then have all run together. We are making plans, writing down thoughts, organizing life to the best of our abilities. We are all spending every moment possible together. We are being the best support system we can to each other.

We are also trying to help our children understand what has happened. James has his weepy moments. Today he was just plain ornery. That is to be expected. Riley is completely confused. He is constantly looking for his grandmother. He will go in her room, look under her pillows, behind her chair, in her bathroom. We have told him she died and is in heaven. A three year old really can't understand. Heck, honestly, I don't think anyone really understands.

We are a family... living through a very dark cloud... counting the days until all of the obligatory actions are completed so we can learn to live as a family again...

Mama at Midnight

Okay.... Riley is certainly his own little fellow. At midnight I was sound asleep, cuddled up in my warm bed. Unexpectedly, a little finger began to poke my arm. I hear the faint whisper, "Mama" wake me from my slumber. I knew it had to be Riley. I rolled over, opened my eyes and before me stood...... a completely naked 3 year old holding his pillowcase. Yes, Riley had been in his bed, undressing himself, and taking all of his sheets and pillowcase off of his bed. As cute as he is, he was not so cute at that point. ;-)

Being the loving mother I am, I walked him back to his room. I proceeded to feel around in the dark for Riley's Pull-Up and pajamas. Now, we do live in Florida and by no means need heavy duty night clothes, but it was in the low 50s and Riley doesn't stay covered. Finally, I found all of his encoutreauments (sp) and dressed my sleepy boy. Next, I had to put the wandering pillowcase back on to Riley's pillow. I grabbed the pillow and case, sat down on James' bed and began the bouncing act otherwise known as... dressing the pillow. In my half awake, half asleep state, I completely forgot that big brother James was fast asleep on his now bouncing bed. I did not realize what a lovely bumpy ride I gave him until I had completed the pillowcase adventure. Thank goodness, James is a very deep sleeper.

After completing all of my motherly obligations, I tucked my little wide awake darling in to bed. I bent down and gave him the obligatory kiss and reminder that it was time to sleep. More awake now and rather perturbed I began walking back to my own room. Upon reaching Riley's door I hear another "Mama". I turned around to find my baby, reaching for me, lips puckered. He then whispers, "kish Mama". (Yes, kish... that is how Riley says kiss.) All frustrations instantly disappeared. I smiled with teary eyes, walked happily back to my tucked in bundle and received the best kiss of my life.

Riley is MY baby. He is MY son. I love him more than I realize at times.

After all of this ordeal I returned to my bed, very glad to have been woken out of my slumber. I laid in my bed, smiling and crying at the wonder and beauty that one little boy can bring. I am such a lucky mom.

Slowly Churning Along

Well, in two days our dossier will be logged in for 2 months. Wow! That is such a great thing to think. Christmas Eve will be 4 months! That will be so exciting! As much as time is slowly churning along.. it is moving. I am so thankful for my boys. They are certainly the calming force in my life right now. They are excited about their sister, but they also are much more in to today than worried about what is to come. That helps me to keep focused on the present and not as worried about the future.

In a few weeks we will be in our new home. Yikes! I can not wait!! It is really looking wonderful. Once we are in and settled I can start thinking about the nursery. I have so many ideas but no real direction. I have seen a few things I really like, but just can commit. I have seen some fantastic pictures of what other people are doing with their nurseries. They are all so artistic and creative. I am completely impressed. I am going to use them as my motivation to be creative and enjoy the process. It doesn't have to be perfect... it just has to be done with love.

Here are my current predicitions:
Referral - March 8, 2006
Travel - May 6, 2006

I would LOVE a February referral but with the last batch being so small, I really think March is much more realistic. How neat, though, to think that we received Riley's referral in March and traveled in May. It kind of makes this more..... meant to be.

By the way... I would be more than happy to have my baby NOW! haha

Cake Face

Are we there yet?

I was sitting here thinking about all of the big things going on now and those right down the road from now. When it comes to going to China and getting Madeline, all I can think of is.... Are we there yet? I remember being a kid and going on a road trip. I would ask my parents a million times how much longer it would be. I know it drove them nuts. This process makes me feel like that impatient child again. I have to tell you, I LOVE the process... but hate having to be patient. I think about my baby constantly. I can't wait to hold her in my arms. My daydreaming time has been cut down tremendously as of late.

Our dear beagle, Duke, died yesterday. It was so difficult having to tell the boys. Poor Jerry had to take him to the vet. How heart wrenching. Our family had a very sad day yesterday. Today, a feeling of sadness still hangs in the air, but we realize that Duke is in a much better place.

SO.... now we wait for Madeline...


Are we there yet?

The ABCs of Waiting for Referral

-Ask everyone about baby names and then laugh at all their
suggestions.
-Buy clothes that will be the wrong size/gender.
-Cook meals big enough for 3 and then wonder why your spouse is
getting so large.
-Drop hints to your adoption agency about checking in with the CCAA
and then worry that they'll get irritated.
-Eat anything that's not moldy and then wonder if you and your spouse
will have to buy yourselves extra airline seats.
-Field 213 daily calls from friends and relatives asking if there's
any news.
-Go shopping for necessary baby items and then freak out that each
one you buy will jinx/delay your referral.
-Have nightmares about getting to China and being handed a sack of
flour wearing a blanket sleeper.
-Itemize your packing list at least 25 times.
-Joke about getting a referral for a 17 year old boy with no arms or
legs, then secretly worry that it will really happen.
-Kill a ladybug by accident and then cry uncontrollably for two
hours.
-Lose your mind, then get it back. Repeat as needed.
-Mention "I'm expecting a baby this winter" to anyone who will
listen, then giggle when they look at your flat belly.
-Needle your spouse about anything slightly shady in his/her past
that might be delaying your referral.
-Order Valium off the Internet from some sketchy company in South
Africa.
-Pester your Frequent Flier program about how many seats they have
left for every single day in January and February.
-Quarrel with anyone who asks "Why are you adopting internationally
when there are so many needy babies here at home?
-Register for baby gifts at several large discount supercenters, only
to realize that they all use Chinese sweatshop labor.
-Switch to socially responsible stores for your baby registry and
then listen to your family complain about the prices.
-Take an infant CPR class and freak out when you drop the doll on its
head.
-Update your immunizations and then beg for a lollypop, because those
shots hurt!
-Vodka. `Cause you can, unlike those silly pregnant ladies.
-Worry. A lot. About everything.
-X-ray proof your photo bag so you won't lose one frame of your new
baby sleeping, pooping, screaming, crying, vomiting, or ignoring you.
-Yell at your pet/spouse for not being a baby, then hug it because at
the moment it's all you've got.
-Zorro. Z is always for Zorro.


(This was posted on our June-July DCT site for GWCA.)

Life is crazy while waiting for baby

Things here have been so hectic! I guess that is a good thing since it should help the wait go faster. Being that I am not a patient person, this is a very good thing.

Riley was supposed to have a minor surgery yesterday. The doctor got in there and decided that a specialist needs to be called on. We are now scheduled to see the surgeon next Wednesday afternoon. Riley is very tongue tied. The original procedure was to take a few minutes, tops. The current discussion is about a much more involved operation. YIKES!! Of course, we will do whatever necessary to help him, but just hate the idea of him having to go through all of this. He is such a trooper! As a reward for his excellent behavior with the doctor yesterday he will be getting a haricut. Having his haircut is Riley's all time favorite thing in the world. He LOVES the barber. He LOVES sitting in the big chair watching himself in the mirror. He struts around like he is king of the world. It is just so darn cute!

I will be talking to James today about the severity of his grandmother's illness. I think this is going to be one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I am going to talk to him alone since all of this is still so raw for Jerry. James is such a hard book to read at times. He will keep so much inside. This is a BIG thing. I hope he will talk and ask questions and really be open to communicating throughout this very difficult time.

The new house is really coming along. The exterior has been painted. The interior has been textured, base boards and trim hung. We think there is a very good chance the interior will be painted by tomorrow. The driveway, walkway and sidewalks are all framed up. Weather permitting those should have been poured yesterday!! WOW!! It really looks like a house! I can't wait to get in there and start Madeline's room.

All of this craziness and more is keeping my mind busy during this wait. I have been pouring through the recent referral pictures getting my baby fix. They are just so beautiful... and little. I wonder how old Madeline will be when she finally comes home. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and kiss her. Hopefully the first kiss will go better than Riley's. The first time I kissed Riley on Gotcha Day, he wiped it off. What a little pistol! I loved it! He showed his perky personality from minute one. Little did we know just how perky this little fellow would be. I wonder if Madeline will have the same passion.

I picture her beautiful face in my dreams..... it is amazing to think that this dream will become a reality.

Getting Excited

Well, we are officially in October! Wow! September flew right on by! I can't believe it. It is hard to believe we will be in our new home next month. Once we get in the house I can start Madeline's room! Woohoo! I absolutely LOVE looking at all the pictures of completed nurseries. They really inspire me. There are so many creative people out there. I may have to borrow a few ideas from the pictures I have seen. I hope they don't mind!

I really am thinking of doing a ladybug theme for Madeline's room. I found the cutest crib bedding at JCPenney. It is just adorable. I would love to put up a chair rail, too. I am thinking of getting some ladybug Wallies and putting them randomly around the room. I would like to get a chandelier, but am not sure if Jerry would really go for it. I think it would be great! I saw one I really liked at Lowe's. I may have to put a few pennies away and just get it! :-)

I think when we are able to get Madeline's room started this whole adoption thing will become much more real for James. He is so different this time. Now that he knows what it means to add a sibling to the family, his perspective is so different. Last time he was just so innocent and unaware. Now he is excited and nervous and beside himself with the fact that he is going to China with us.

Riley is oblivious, which is probably a good thing. He is going to be so interesting to watch when Madeline enters our lives. This will be such a great experience for him.

Well.. enough for today. I am getting so much theraphy from writing this blog. Some days I think I could write a few times a day!!!!

Come on November!!! October is hear and I am ready!!!!!