KISSES IN THE WIND

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.
I know you wonder where we are....whats taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you, and God will keep you strong.
Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin....
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.
May God hold you in his hands until I can be with you
I promise you, my baby, I'm doing all that I can do.
Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend
But for tonight as always, I blow you kisses on the wind.
My God wrap you in his arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.
----unknown

Thinking Alot

Lately, I have been thinking ALOT. I mean a real lot. I have been thinking so much I am having difficulty thinking. I don't know. I really think it has to do with being so close to receiving our referral and having so many strange, strange things happen in my life lately.

We could be three to four weeks a way from seeing Miss Madeline's face right now. A China Adoption Forcast site is projecting we will receive our referral in about 3 weeks. Statistically that is their best guess. That is exactly what I am hoping for. The thought of waiting until November is just too much. It is actually stressful. If we have to wait that long it is going to cost us quite a bit of money since our I171H will need to be renewed. I have actually begun to consider trying to sell the last of the Adoption Cookbooks I participated in a year ago. I have probably 20 left. If I could sell them... for just cost... it would help.

I was really counting on having tip money from working at the stadium this season. I was planning on putting $1000 towards orphange fees away through tips. I have already put $510 away so it was really "doable". Now that won't happen. A very frustrating thing happened. The person who I have worked with for the past 10 years at the stadium has really started to do some shady things. So much so that I can not work with her anymore. I have seen what looks like stealing going on, though I have no proof. In order to continue working at the stadium I would have to continue working with her. I can't do that. I just can't. I will not put myself in the situation of being affiliated with someone who is possibly stealing. I feel like I need to RUN in the other direction. So... there goes the rest of the tip money towards the donation. Frustrating...but necessary.

I am so worried that these two stupid issues may mean we have to leave the boys home. I just can't wrap my brain around the idea that we would go back to China and not take Riley. Heck! That is his homeland. How could I ever do that???

Last year when we had all of the tragedy over those three months, we cut into our adoption funds by about $5000. I have been working trying to save that money back AND save the money we knew we had to put away prior to travel in order to take the boys. Somehow it just has to work out.

I wish I had a magic wand to make all of this just work out the way I WANT IT TO! I know that isn't possible. I know I am probably much more aware and sensitive since we are just so damn close. I know it is all so completely out of my hands...... it just has to work out so we can bring Miss M home.

I have not been sleeping well with all of this rambling on and on in my head. I am one of those people who, literally, thinks too much. I can stay awake for days thinking and worrying. I have to get to the point where I let it go and let it work itself out. Maybe just by writing this it will be therapeutic enough to allow me to put a piece of this out of my head and hands for the time being.

Okay.... two down posts in a row. YIKES!!


On a more chipper note - I bought a ceiling fan for Madeline's room tonight. One more thing off of one of my MANY lists. It is really going to look great.

Riley is going to be a firefighter for Halloween. He is so excited! Today he was recognized at school as the Student of the Month. He was so proud! He received a certificate, two little gift certificates and a toy. His picture will be on the school website throughout the month of October. He strutted his cute little self up there and accepted his award. I was weepy. I am so proud of him. He is a true miracle and blessing. It was just such a fantastic thing to witness.

James has been moved into 5th grade Reading and Math! WOW!! We are just so shocked. He is actually in the accelerated 5th grade Math and he is only a 4th grader! He is the only 4th grader in the Reading class he goes to. His teacher didn't have a group high enough for him. Boy!! He is certainly smarter than his parents. (Don't tell him I said that!) The change of schools has just been so good for him. He is happier than ever before and just so much more happy and comfortable.

Jerry and I are just so lucky.

Learning Patience

As a child we heard all the time... be patient. I don't think I learned patience until recently. Life lessons are truly something we learn throughout life. Patience I have only begun to learn as an adult and parent.

My children teach me patience each and every day. I have learned to not just react... but to think first. I know, I know... we tell our children this all of the time.. but I don't think I have learned this until recently. I am learning that what a child says and what they mean can be very different things... don't just jump to a conclusion. I am learning that sometimes being careless is just about being a kid. I don't have to get upset, but can turn a mistake into a bonding moment where trust is fostered. I have learned that sometimes kids do realize they have to go to the bathroom 5 minutes into a car ride when they did try to go before we left home. That used to drive me NUTS!!

This adoption is teaching me patience. Nothing about this process falls into a time schedule like I would like. The delay in our dossier being logged in taught me patience. The wait from LID to referral has expanded from 6 months to over 13 months right now for us. This is teaching me patience. Reading and rejoicing with families who have already received their referral when we want nothing more than to see our daughter for the first time is teaching me patience.

As an adult, taking the high road is teaching me patience. I have learned that I can react or listen. If I listen and still don't like what I hear... I can either take action or move on. Moving on is a practice in patience. Even a friend can do something that hurts and not mean it. How I react to it is what I have learned. Sometimes it can be better to avoid a conflict and let go of something you don't agree with if it is for the common good and peace of all. I don't always have to be right and everyone doesn't have to understand my point.

Money and being able to walk away from it... is teaching me patience. Allowing money to ruin a relationship is a choice. One can get upset and make grand proclamations or one can try to figure out what is really behind another's actions as a way of support. Sometimes people act out towards others only because they are hurting. This idea is one that I am working on learning patience with.

I am not a patient person... but I am learning. I am learning to prioritize. I am learning to listen. I am learning to think before I act. I am learning that to be a friend... sometimes it means letting a friend get away with something. Not everything is black and white.

My goal is to be the best wife, mother, friend and teacher possible. In order to do this I still have many lessons to learn. Learning lessons is not easy or comfortable. As a wife, patience is the key to a successful and happy marriage. If we love someone we find patience. As a mother, patience is a way to teach and model for our children our expectations for them. As a friend patience is agreeing to disagree and not holding a grudge. As a teacher patience is for students, co-workers, and parents alike.

Patience is respect.

The journey may be difficult but the life is worth the work.

40 Today

Today I am 40. It is funny... it has been just a fantastic birthday. I have really enjoyed every minute of it. I thought 40 would feel more... momentous... but actually it was such a peaceful birthday. I think 40 is just right. I am comfortable in my life, personally and professionally. I know our referral for Madeline is only a few more weeks away. James and Riley are happy, healthy and thriving. Life is very good at 40.

Someone asked me if I was upset with turning 40. I thought that was strange. I don't remember ever feeling like I wanted to be a different age than I am. I would not go back to 30 or 20 again. To have learned the lessons I have.... to have grown in my life and love.... nothing compares to the present.

I think maybe I am just at peace today with being me. Sure, there are 101 things I could rattle off that I would change, but they really aren't of any importance. They are all very superficial.

I am very happy today. I feel very spoiled. My guys did everything right.... a new watch, a Babies R Us gift card, birthday cards, a fabulous dinner, shopping and singing then cake. It was just the way I would want my birthday to be. I was surrounded by my guys, all three of them. We laughed together. We played together. We joked around together. We were a family.

I like 40.

** There are no guarantees I won't have a meltdown in the future, but we can blame that on paper pregnancy hormones and being peri-menopausal. :-)

Well..

No news yet.... still waiting.... crossing fingers, toes, legs, arms, eyes...anything that can cross. Hoping for some good news THIS week. We are really hoping referrals will be sent this week. Our hope is that CCAA will send referrals for families well into August LID's. We don't expect in any way, shape or form to be included though. It is funny... we really have no clue when we can truthfully say we are next. I guess the only way for us to truly be next is when CCAA has matched the families logged in the day before us. I can see that happening. Our LID is HUGE! Yup.. that extended wait to get logged in last year made for a gigantic 8/24/05 LID. I think that could actually work against us. It is actually a real possibility that CCAA could do an 8/23/05 cut off date in October. That would mean we wouldn't see Madeline's face until... (chocking back tears)... November.

I am going to do my best to send out positive vibes for the next month... in true hope that we will see our precious baby's face in October. An October referral date would turn the anniversary of a very bad time in our lives around. Bama (DH's mother) was completely dedicated to her grandchildren. To celebrate our referral on the anniversary of her death would be difficult but what she would LOVE. Her grandchildren ( and children) meant the world to her. She loved them so much. She would do anything for them. She was so excited about us adopting again. She had held on to meet and bond with Riley... and BOY were they close. Now, she is in heaven watching over Miss M.

It is time to bring her home.

Is 40 the new 30?

Okay, someone told me that 40 is the new 30. Hmmmm I have to tell you, I am looking at the big 4-0 this week and not thinking anything about when I was 30. Actually, I think the only similarity is that I was pregnant with James at 30 and I am paper pregnant for Madeline at 40.

When I was 30 I was a very different person than I am now. I think that the past decade has changed me not just in years of living but in the living that has been done over the years.

I am lucky. Jerry and I have been in love for over 20 years now. The love we have now, is just so much better. Sure the sweaty hands, nervous stomach stuff at the beginning of a relationship is great... this is so much better. We laugh in such a great way. We still find each other very amusing. We know now just how lucky we are to still be together and happy. I think the total appreciation we have for each other now is special. When you are young and in love you look at a relationship in such a different way. Well, at least I did. I now am just so thankful for the loving relationship I have each and every day. It is such a great time for us.

I am a better parent at 40 than I could have EVER been at 30. I just cherish my children in such a different way. Maybe it is actually putting some years between me and fertility junk that has made the difference. I was just so uptight and worried at 30. Now, I actually enjoy the quirkiness of life so much more. I can laugh or at least get past things so much faster. I just don't let the little stuff with my children drive me nuts. I find myself turning my head so they won't see me smiling when they do something wrong, so much more. Anger is just not part of the equation right now.

Sure the little nonsense of life frustrates me. I get sad. I worry. I get mad. I get to the end of my rope, so to speak. But.. man... I am just so glad to be in this place in life. I really have no interest in going back at all. 40 is a great age... well aside from the smarty pants 9 year old who thinks he is very funny calling my Grandma. Heck... I love every minute of it.

I don't want a new 30. 40 works for me. Now... on Friday, I may feel differently when the reality of a new decade sets in a little... but in everyday living stuff... 40 is fabulous!

How Do I Know the Wait Is Too Long?

Did you ever have one of those weeks that you just can not believe actually happened?? Well, that as last week for me. I guess the past ten days or so have been full of unbelieveable ups and downs.

On September 9th I was so lucky! My great friend, Kathy, from college and I went to see the play Rent! WOWOWOWOW! It was fantastic! I had not seen the play or movie. I had heard a lot of the music though. We were in the third row and almost center. Talk about the best seats in the house!!! We both enjoyed every minute. I think what made it even nicer was that Kathy and I rarely get to do things alone. When we pledged AOII over 20 years ago we were inseparable. We are still so close. As time goes by and we all grow and change... there are truly only a very few great friends in our lives. Kathy is that to me. We laugh and say things to each other that make our families just shake their heads. We find each other to be very funny... though those around us think we are..... odd. That is part of what made the night fantastic. Great entertainment and even better company.

September 10th I had to work at the Buccaneers game. As much as I LOVE football season, it is work. It was very busy and draining, but a great way to touch base with my friend Ilene. Ilene and I met almost 13 years ago. We taught, literally, side by side for the first 5 years. We have worked at the stadium together for the past 9 years. She is just such a good person. She likes me even when I make my really bad, and to be honest, off color jokes. She is the kind of friend who just accepts me for me. Spending the weekend with two friends was a good thing.

On September 11th, I think, we are all haunted by memories. I was just more on edge, felt unhappy. It is unreal how much emotion still lies just beneath the surface.

The rest of the week was a work nightmare!! Nothing went right... we argued, we bickered, we all cried... I was OVER it! I was hurt, frustrated and disappointed with the people around me. I just knew I couldn't put up with the petty nonsense. So... we all had it out, put the cards on the table and tried to move forward.

The adoption rumor mill was virtually nonexistant. I was so frustrated. (Heck, I still am.) I wanted news... any news... even if it wasn't good news, I was up for it. Nothing... nada, zilch, zip, zero. No news... for me was bad news. My mind went into overdrive and I convinced myself this adoption was never going to happen... Okay... yes, PMS was in full swing too.

I bickered with Jerry. I was not very patient with the boys. I was unhappy at work. I was sad because I wanted my baby. I was just done, cooked, kaput!

So, I went into this weekend just ready for a break. I got just that. I found a minute to take a deep breath. I found a minute to shave my legs without having Riley jump into the shower withe me. I found a minute to surf the net and watch some soaps.

Now... I think I am ready for this week. It will be better than last week... that is a given. I may not hear news, work may not be perfect.... but I know the wait has been too long and I am ready for my baby. I just need to take those few precious minutes here and there to help heal the bumps and bruises. All will be well.. really... all is well.

Venting, Rambling and Remembering

First I want to take a moment to remember this very sad and important date. On September 11, 2001 all of our lives changed. There was an undeniable shift in our lives that is permanent. One can't help but to relive the horror of that day. I have thought a lot about going through 9/11 with my class of 5th graders. President Bush was just a few miles south of us. A parent told me that a plane had flown into a tower at the World Trade Center. She was crying. I turned on the television and could not believe my eyes. Within a minute we witnessed the second plane hitting the second tower. That was it. Life changed. We watched and worked... knowing that we were watching the history of our country write a new and terrible chapter. It was a horrible day. I remember first hearing that the Pentagon was on fire. This was probably more upsetting to me than the twin towers because my sister is an electrical engineer. She had been working a few days a week for several years on the Pentagon renovations. She was the electrical engineer who designed the new electrical system. There was a very real possibilty she was at the Pentagon.

I couldn't reach her by phone, of course. Cell phone service, that day, was spotty at best. It took several hours before I finally reached my sister. She was home.... she had not gone in to work that day. The relief... was immense. I then felt guilt. As crazy at it sounds... to know my family was okay made me feel so guilty. I can remember the emotions of 9/11 so vividly.

It was later that evening when I learned my brother-in-law had a sister in the second tower that day. My parents had the child of their next door neigbor in the first tower and my cousin was running late for an appointment at the World Trade Center that day. Cindy was in the second tower, evacuating after the first tower was hit when the second plane attacked. She was thrown against a wall, hurting her shoulder and back. She continued down the stairs. She got out of the second tower in time. She walked for hours until she found a place to stay. She was stuck in the city for a few days until another family member could get to her from Pennsylvania. It took over two weeks before she was able to get home to Florida. My parent's neighbor's son was a police officer in the city. He had been moved uptown the week before or he would have been at the World Trade Center that day. My cousin was held at the airport since planes had been hijacked. He didn't know what was happening at that point.

Everyone we knew lived. How did we get so lucky?? Well, if you ask them, they weren't the lucky ones. They still carry the scars of that day. Cindy has changed in ways that no one who has not experienced what she did could ever understand. She has talked about the force of the plane on the building being so strong and powerful. She has talked about exiting the building with debris and people falling to the ground around her. Horror.

I don't know what tomorrow brings.. I just know that we must always remember how horrific 9/11 was. We need to preserve and learn from these memories.

How I have changed

I don't know if I have changed for the better, but I have changed. I am much more willing to face my problems head on instead of letting my emotions grow. I am not willing to let things fester and grow to the point of an explosive confrontation.

I am much more forthright. I speak my thoughts. I explain my feelings. I now, ask people to stop and listen to what I am saying. I was much more willing to just be hurt and mad before 9/11.

I think I value individual beliefs more now. A big part of me changed how I look at people I don't know. This is a very good thing.

I don't know if I would have adopted Riley if 9/11 had not happened. I decided that we have to live each and every day of our lives... not wait. We have to face our personal challenges and climb the mountains in front of us.

9/11 has made me a better person. It is always there... inside me... thanking God for sparing those I know and love and hoping some peace and comfort come to the families of the victims. I see the future with hope for a more worldly acceptance of all people. I see the future with eyes of hurt, knowing that somewhere, someone who has never met me, hates me because I call the United States of America my home. I would live no where else. It is truly the greatest nation on Earth.

May those that live their lives with hate, learn love.

Why China?

A red thread to China was cast today,
from us to a child so far away.
This thread symbolizes an attachment of hearts,
that distance alone can’t keep us apart.

Her mother and I are caught in a chase,
that time alone will bring us to face

This loving young child we want so much to greet,
with love in our hearts before we did meet.
This tiny, thin thread may stretch, tangle or fray,
but our love for her grows stronger each day.
Through the test of time it won’t break or sever,
she’ll be part of us forever and ever.
With oceans between us, the distance is spanned,
by a love that is greater than man could have planned.
For God in His mercy loved her and us,
and decided our family would be a great plus.
So for now we’ll just love her and pray every day,
that God keeps her and loves her for us till we may,
travel to China, that land of great past,
to the side of our daughter, to hold her at last.

~Tom Fisher~

Ready and Waiting

Well, the rumor mill is up and running. It seems so early in the month to start hearing rumors, but MAN.. this one is a good one. I don't know why I have it so set in my mind that we will receive our referral in October... but I just can't even wrap my brain around anything else. I have thought October for several months now. Of course, September isn't even a possibility and to some October is a stretch, to me... October would be wonderful.

I have been having so many dreams lately. I have dreamt about the baby several times. I have had such vivid dreams of holding her, having her placed into my arms... it just is going to be magnificient.... truly magnificient. I am so looking forward to smelling her baby smell, to kissing her tiny little toes, to whispering my love for her in those sweet ears. I am looking forward to watching her brothers hold her lovingly in their arms... well at least James will.... Riley, well that one is a crap shoot, could go either way... love or war.

I am looking forward to taking a picture of all my children together.... I am looking forward to cute dresses, little do dads in her hair, pink and purple and girly things. I am looking forward to her torturing her big brothers. I am looking forward to big belly laughs and her sweet breath when she sleeps in my arms.

The first time I tip toe into her room and watch her sleep in her crib will fill me with such emotion. Just the thought of it makes my heart fly. She will be everything we dreamed of and more than we could have ever hoped for.

What will I do the first time she says Mama? How will I feel the first time she runs into my arms embracing me in her arms? When will I know that she knows for sure that I am her mother and will never leave her? Who is holding her now, telling her that someday soon she will have her own forever family? Where is she now while she waits for her family? Why did her birthmother have to leave her to be found? Was it necessity or obligation??

I love her already.

October will do just fine.

Nesting???

Could I be nesting? I have had some serious energy and drive to get some things done around the house. Today we hung the blinds in Madeline's room, took apart Riley's toddler bed... he moved into the big boy bed two weeks ago. We also painted the kitchen. I cleaned out the pantry... it looks SUPER! I also went through a boat load of papers and such that had piled up. Today alone I filled THREE garbage bags!

I am thinking I may be nesting. Think about it... a few days ago I organized Madeline's closet when James took all the pictures of her clothes. I also organized the changing table, folded her little socks and decided I just have to get out next weekend and buy bibs. Bibs? Yes, bibs. I have decided that I just need to make sure we have some bibs for our baby girl.

Now, maybe some of my urgency comes from PMS hormones... I can attest that they make me a little....... different, but this just seems different.

I am in MAJOR getting ready for baby mode. Heck.. it may still be months before we receive our referral, but I just have this insatiable need to get things ready.

I look at my list of all the things we still need to buy for Miss M, and wonder if I will ever finish the list. I can't count on a baby shower, since nothing is planned. I am secretly hoping for something little at work.. but don't tell them. I don't want them to feel obligated or bad if nothing is planned.

So, tomorrow I am planning on making a new list. I know... I have ten million lists already, but I really feel like I need to figure out what clothes we have and the sizes... mostly 12, 18 and 24 months and figure out what we need in each size to make a wardrobe that will hold Madeline over for at least a little while.

I have absolutely NOTHING smaller than 12 months. I mean... nada, zilch, zippo... so maybe I need to also make a general list of things that could be bought at whatever size she is just in case. Gosh... my second notebook is going to fill up fast!

It is times like these that I wish my sisters, biological and fraternal were closer. I am kind of a loner here at our new home. No AOII's to be found... so far. It would certainly be nice to have someone to bounce all of my crazy ideas off of. (My friend Ilene informed me that I am grossly unprepared this time. I think it is because this time... is just so odd.)

Well.... time to go do laundry, empty the dishwasher, bathe the boys and make a donation to MDA during the telethon. I think the donation will come first, though.... most important.

Happy Labor Day from someone who may be in adoption labor as she types!!!!!

Just a few tidbits... the rocking chair that the pictures were taken on was a present from DH, ten years ago when I was pregnant with James. It is such an amazing thing to know I will rock all of my babies in the same chair. Heck, Riley still LOVES being rocked. James likes it too.. though it is not easy to rock him anymore!

The baby blanket on the chair was knitted by my grandmother who passed away Christmas morning, 2005. All of my children have a special blanket knitted by Grandnana. I miss her so much, even though she is much happier now that she is in heaven and not battling Alzheimer's.

The dresser was my sister, Maureen's, before she moved to Australia. I also have some Andy Warhol prints from her to frame and hang in Madeline's room. It will make her feel closer.

All of these items and people are very precious to me.

Secret Pal Gifts and Retail Therapy